Synchronized Beating of Broken Hearts
by Emily92
Summary: Kate Beckett has just lost her mother. Rick Castle is still reeling from his breakup with Kyra Blaine. What happens when these two become housemates? A story about loss and love, and a bit of a college fic.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Notes**: First multichapter fic for_ Castle_. This is...we'll call it AU-esque. The majority of the events for the story's basis are cannon, but I've messed with the timeline a bit: Beckett and Castle are the same age, and certain people meet earlier than they do on the show. The title comes from a poem I wrote awhile ago. Spoilers for "A Rose for Everafter."

**Disclaimer** (applies to the whole story): I own _Castle_. Riiiiiiight.

* * *

Synchronized Beating of Broken Hearts

**Chapter One**

It was a pouring winter day in New York City. Kate Beckett could hear the rain hitting the roof as she and her friend Lanie sat in the former's bedroom, where Kate was sitting cross-legged on the bed and Lanie was pacing back and forth.

Kate glanced out of the window. Between the never ending flow of rain and its current sad gray color, the sky was depressed. Pathetic fallacy, she thought to herself. It was something she'd learned in AP English literature the year before.

"Girl. You're sure about this, right?" Lanie asked, breaking her reverie. She looked concerned.

"I wouldn't have gone through all that paperwork if I weren't sure," Kate replied wryly.

"I mean, you know I love that you'll be in the same state as me instead of literally across the country, but do you think more drastic change is a good thing for you? Especially right now?"

Kate was quite for a moment and then explained, "I need to be…here. Not in Stanford. I want to be closer to everyone, at least geographically, after…"

In point of fact, after the events of the past month, California was the last place she wanted to be. She had adjusted to college well and it had been a good semester, but after everything that had happened with her mother, she had hated the thought of being so many miles from the majority of the people in her life.

If her mother's murder had taught her anything, it was that people could be gone instantaneously.

Lanie sat down next to her friend, "I get that. And you're sure you won't regret it later? I mean, you did spend a good part of senior year telling me how you wanted to go out of state for school."

She let out a sad little half-laugh, "I did go out of state. And now I'm coming back. I'm completely comfortable with the decision, Lanie."

Lanie nodded.

"Hey, um, thanks for coming the other day," Kate said after a few moments, "To the…"

Her voice trailed off, but Lanie knew what she meant. She had made a point to be there; she wasn't the type to miss the funeral for the mother of her best friend. And inevitably, she wasn't hurting as much at Kate was, but Lanie missed Johanna. In the time that she had spent with the girls, she had always been kind and insightful.

"Of course," Lanie replied, "So when does Vassar start up again?"

"Few weeks," Kate made a face, "Ugh, I still need to find somewhere to live."

"Girl, you better get on that," Lanie commented. She grinned, "Of course, you could've gone to NYU and moved in with me. Would have been like the old days, going to school together again."

"Yeah, but it's a bit close for me. I don't want to lose all of my independence. Two hours or so is a happy medium."

00000000

Richard Castle was spending the day, much like the one prior to it and the one prior to that, staring at the phone.

A few weeks before Vassar had let out for winter break, his girlfriend Kyra had told him that she needed space. He knew that her family had never particularly liked him and that they had been pressuring her about this as of late, and Rick was fairly sure this was the reason why she had been edging away from him.

Difficult as it was for him, he had respected her wishes. He hadn't called her. They hadn't spent any time together. They hadn't shared any form of communication whatsoever since she had told him that she needed to think about things.

But it had been almost two months since they'd talked. He missed her, and it had gotten all the worse since Vassar's winter break had started. He'd tried spending time with friends, hanging out and going to parties, but in the end he just felt empty. He and Kyra had been together since their sophomore year of high school, and it didn't feel right to have her gone.

And then there was the matter of the house. It had seemingly come to be his out of nowhere, but Rick didn't have much of an issue with this. It was a bit of a mystery. He liked that. The house had been bequeathed to him and was conveniently close to school, so he had every intention of living there. He was even partially moved in. He'd wanted Kyra to live there with him. They were young, but they'd been together for a while and what they had felt real. But all of the sudden she'd needed space, so he doubted that it would happen.

He needed a new plan. He wasn't particularly fond of the idea of living alone, especially in a house that size, so he had been haphazardly searching for a new roommate. The trouble was that he wasn't having much luck. None of the guys he had met at school wanted to move out of the dorms midyear, which he understood. He'd really wanted his high school friend Kevin to move in, but he went to school in the city and it was just too far to be practical.

For some reason, he didn't find any of this overly concerning. He had this feeling that everything with the house would work out in the end — and if it didn't, he would be able to deal with it. And he couldn't explain why, but he was so confident that it would. Perhaps it was kismet.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **Thanks for the reviews and alerts, all. Means a lot.**  
**

**Chapter Two**

For Kate to say she couldn't sleep would be inaccurate. Her issue was more along the lines of not wanting to sleep.

More often than not since her mother's death, she'd had dreams about things she didn't want to deal with quite yet. Detective Raglan knocking at their door. Moments later, when she learned that her mother was gone. The numbness that immediately followed. Her sleeping subconscious had made a habit of bringing these memories to the forefront of her mind.

Kate didn't want to deal with them tonight. With this in mind, she had declared sleep her enemy and was evading it rather successfully.

00000000

She stepped out of the bisque winter air as she entered the building that contained her new adviser's office. When it came to weather, Stanford and Vassar seemed nothing alike. She couldn't quite decide if she was going to miss the California sun or not. Generally, she was a fan of it, but this cold New York winter fit her mood perfectly.

Shortly after entering the building she found her adviser's office. Dr. Montgomery, his name was. She knocked at the door.

"Kate Beckett," he said, "Come in."

"Hi, Dr. Montgomery," she greeted him.

"Please, call me Roy," he said as they sat down, "So, Stanford to Vassar. What made you go from one find establishment to another?"

"Just personal preference," she replied, "My par – father lives in the city."

Roy nodded, "English and pre-law double major. So, do you find time to sleep with that?"

She smiled, "I get by."

They talked for a bit longer and discussed her schedule for the upcoming semester. By the time they were finished, Kate had decided that she liked Roy.

00000000

Kate walked toward one of the buildings that didn't particularly resemble a dorm, hoping to find coffee. Once she stepped inside, there was a flyer that caught her attention.

_Room for rent. Extraordinary House. Call Rick for details._

Kate stared at the photo. She had to agree that this house looked pretty extraordinary. It was beautiful enough to be directly out of some sort of fairy tale but normal enough to be real. It was an older house, and she could tell it had character.

She wrote down the number that was listed, planning on calling as soon as she found coffee and a payphone.

00000000

"Hi, is Rick there?"

"The one and only. Who's this?"

"My name's Kate. I saw your flyer about the house."

"Ooooh, yeah. So you're interested?"

"Yeah, I am."

"Great. I'll be around pretty much all day for the next days if you want to stop by and see the place."

"Ok. Mind if I stop by later today? I'm on campus now."

"Sounds good. The address is 47 Alexander Road. See you soon, Kate."

"Goodbye, Rick."

00000000

Several hours after he'd received Kate's phone call, Rick heard the closing of a car door. Shortly after this, his doorbell rang.

"Kate," he said.

"Hi."

"Come on in," he said, leading her to his half-decorated living room, "So, you're at Vassar too?"

"Yeah. Just transferred."

"Oh, where from?"

"Stanford."

"That's quite the switch."

"It's complicated," she said before he could ask about it. From her tone, he knew that the topic was closed.

"What good story isn't?" he asked, in spite of the vibe he was getting from her. When she said nothing else, he continued, "Anyway, what's your major?"

"You know, I was kind of under the impression that we'd mainly be talking about housing."

She was so matter-of-fact. Skeptical. It was the opposite of what Rick was, but he felt himself drawn to her nonetheless.

"We'll get there," he smiled, "I promise. But if we're possibly going to be living together, I figured it would be better to not start out as total strangers."

She gave him a small smile, "I guess you have a point. Kate Beckett. English and pre-law. Lived my entire life in the city until last semester."

"Intriguing," he replied, "Rick Castle. My major is English, exclusively. Born in LA but I've lived in New York since I was five."

"Your last name is really Castle?"

He smirked, "It's complicated."

"I'm sure it's something along the lines of you being unsatisfied with your birth name, so you changed it in order to fulfill your needs as an aspiring literary genius."

His mouth fell open, "How the heck did you deduce all that?"

"You ooze self-importance, and you told me you were an English major, not to mention all of the notebooks you've got stacked by the side of the couch – those are too many to only be for academics. But really, the dead give-away was the form that you've got lying next the notebooks."

Rick looked to where had gestured. Sure enough, it was a copy of the form he'd filled out when he'd legally changed his name.

"You're good," he acknowledged, "And for the record, I'm not usually this disorganized."

"Moving can be a disorganized process."

"I'm with you there," he said, "So, Kate Beckett, would you like to be a part of this disorganized process with me?"

She hesitated.

"Plenty of space. You'll be able to escape from me pulling your pigtails. Well, you may be, anyway."

"Alright, Rick. Count me in."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

The morning she left again, her father leaned in and kissed her forehead.

"Be safe, Katie," he said.

She marveled at the irony of his words. _Be safe. _They knew better than anyone that intentional avoidance of danger didn't make any significant difference in the end. Case in point: her mother. Johanna hadn't lived particularly on the edge, yet she was currently buried six feet under the ground. They hadn't even been able to pinpoint the sort of danger that had gotten her. Or at least, the police hadn't. Not satisfactorily, anyway.

Kate nodded, "I will."

Soon enough, she was in on the highway. She had always enjoyed driving alone; the peaceful cruising behind the wheel gave her time to dwell in her thoughts. Simultaneously, she felt thousands of emotions and numbness; it was an odd juxtaposition, and if she were not experiencing it herself she likely would not have believed it to be possible. But there it was. She had an explosion of feelings related to her mother's death, and at the same time she felt blank. Empty.

She didn't quite know what to do with herself.

The relationships in her life were adding to her collection of contradictions. She had moved back to New York state to be closer to her family, her father specifically, but emotionally, she could feel the both of them pulling away from one another. It was as if they wanted to deal with her mother's death apart from one another. They both wanted space to grieve alone – space that did not involve the other. In spite of this, she was still glad to be closer, if solely in the geographical sense for the time being. It somehow made it easier.

And then there was Rick Castle. She wondered if it were possible to be simultaneously drawn to someone while disliking him. Dislike was probably too strong of a word, but she saw things in him she wasn't crazy about. He was insanely full of himself. She already knew that was very likely going to drive her insane. He'd also managed to break at a wall she'd put up around herself – with the possible exception of Laine, she didn't particularly want to be around people for extensive periods of time right now, but she'd agreed to live with him. He was so…lighthearted. It was something she'd been drawn to when they'd met, particularly with her current emotional state. It had been a hell of a past few months. Sometimes she fell in love with the idea of forgetting, of embracing some sort of innocence rather than doubting its existence all together. From what she'd seen of Rick, he seemed to be along that path.

00000000

"You sure you don't want me to help you unpack?" Rick asked her again. He'd been hovering over her ever since she'd stepped into her new room.

"How am I going to know where my stuff is if I let you do that?"

"I dunno. I'm sure you'd manage. Hey, what's that?" he inquired suddenly, picking up something that sat on one of her boxes of things.

"Don't you have eyes, Castle? It's an elephant."

"When did I become Castle and not Rick?"

"Are you insinuating that you changed your name to something that you'd rather not be called?"

"It's cool," he said as he handled the figurine.

"Thanks."

"Where'd you get it?" he asked.

She shrugged, "I've had it for a while."

Her mother had given it to her a few years ago. There had been a shop that sold those kinds of things near her firm.

Rick had turned his attention elsewhere.

"This your family?" he asked, picking up a framed picture Kate had of herself with her parents.

She nodded.

"Tell me about them," he said.

"What?"

"Tell me about your parents. I like to hear people's stories."

She closed her eyes. He just had to hit where it hurt the most, didn't he?

"I don't really want to talk about it," she said.

"C'mon Kate."

"Castle…"

"I'm sure there's something you can say. Fact, quirk. What do they do for a living?"

"Look," she snapped, "Just drop it."

His face clouded, "You're just some spoiled rich kid who's too above herself to talk about mommy and daddy, aren't you?"

And before she could yell otherwise in reply, he left. She shut the door behind him.

00000000

Several hours later, she tentatively entered the living room, where he seemed to be brooding.

"Hey," she said quietly.

He looked up, "Hi. Guess you're finished."

"For the most part."

He smiled slightly, "I'm not gonna bite you. You can sit if you want."

She took a spot on the couch, "Look, Rick, about earlier –"

"It was none of my business –"

"No, I mean, I snapped at you, and there's no way you could have known…"

"Known what?" he asked cautiously

"I'm not mad at them, or above speaking to them, or anything like that, but they're just a really rough topic right now."

"Ok," he replied. His curiously – and concern – was peaked now, but he bit back his tongue.

"So…could we just not…talk about that stuff?"

"If that's what you want, and you seem the type of girl who knows what she wants, so I won't bring up the subject."

"Thanks," she said. She stood up to go back to organizing her room. She paused, thinking about his earlier wish.

"Hey Rick?"

"Yeah?"

"My dad's a lawyer."


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

The short remainder of winter break passed quickly, and before Rick knew it, it was the first day of spring semester classes. Though Kate was still reserved, they had struck up something that resembled a friendship. He'd thought about asking her if she wanted to drive to campus together that morning, but he worried what Kyra might think if she saw them. She still hadn't been in touch, but Rick missed her, and the last impression he wanted to give her was that he had moved on.

He was still waiting for her call. She'd said she had needed space, time to sort things out, and he would give her all of the time she needed. Although it hurt and he missed her, when it came down to it, he didn't mind giving her space. There wasn't much he wasn't willing to do for Kyra, and if she needed him to wait for her, he would give her all of the patience in the world.

He wondered what she was up to this semester, what classes she was taking. There had been a few she had talked about when they were still talking, and he wondered if she'd gotten into them. He missed knowing these little details.

He wondered if he would see her today.

00000000

"Hey," Kate sounded fifty cent hesitant and fifty per cent friendly when she greeted him that evening. He set his messenger bag down and took a seat.

"Evening," he smiled, "How'd it go?"

She paused, "Kinda like _Groundhog Day_, only not quite."

He chuckled, appreciating the reference, "First day in college, take two."

"Pretty much."

"So did you meet a whole entourage of new people?" he asked.

"A few, yeah."

"A few," he repeated in slight surprise, "You'll have to start hanging out with our group."

She rolled her eyes, "How was your day, Castle?"

"Again with the Castle thing," he replied playfully, "I had a decent day. Just got out of my class on Chaucer. I haven't decided how I feel about it yet. _The Canterbury Tales_ are so cool, but the professor seems like a bit of a dud."

He didn't bring up Kyra. He wasn't sure if he even wanted to broach the topic, and he hadn't seen her that day, so there was really nothing to say.

"What are you reading?" he asked Kate.

"_The Virgin Suicides_," she replied.

"Sounds cheerful," he smirked.

"I like the writing style, but the story itself isn't really my cup of tea so far. It's for one of my lit classes."

"Which prof?"

"Gates," she said.

"Oh yeah, Iron Gates," he replied, "She just came last semester. I haven't had her yet, but oh the stories I hear."

Kate raised her eyebrows.

"I'll just say you don't want to cross her."

"How cryptic of you," she said as she stood up.

"You leaving?" he asked, a little surprised.

"Just going upstairs."

"Oh. Well, until tomorrow, then."

00000000

Kate sat cross legged on her bed, thinking. She wanted to be sure that Rick – or anyone, for that matter, but mostly Rick – didn't know anything was up with her. She didn't even want to think about her mother's death, let alone explain it to anyone else. She didn't think she had it in her to discuss it. And she didn't want to deal with the sympathetic faces, or worse yet, the people who didn't know how to react and ended up needing comfort themselves.

She sighed.

She was pretty sure she was playing this game of hiding without being found well. She doubted Rick thought anything serious was up; at most, she came off as a little reserved, and she didn't have a problem with that. For the most part though, she held any of his suspicious off with conversation and occasional banter. She did genuinely enjoy his company, to an extent – his playful nature made it easy to forget about things, and she was beginning to like having him as a somewhat-friend – but she wasn't in a position to really let anyone in for the time being. Because of this, she was glad he hadn't seen through her.

Yawning, she decided to turn in for the night.

00000000

_She stood up and went to the door after hearing the knock. She'd never seen the man standing there before, but he looked serious and grim._

"_Is your father around?"_

"_What can we do for you?"_

"_Katie? What's going on?"_

"_Again, what can we do for you – I didn't catch your name before?"_

"_I'm Detective John Raglan of the NYPD. Unfortunately, I have some bad news."_

"_What?" Jim asked sharply. Kate wasn't able to say anything, for fear of what was going to come._

"_We found your wife, your mother – I'm so sorry, she's been killed."_

_00000000_

"_Laine, my mom….she's gone."_

"_Oh girl," she gasped, pulling her into a tight hug._

_00000000_

"_Today we celebrate a life that was cut tragically short…Johanna Becket was a beloved wife, mother, and friend who never feared to stand up for what was right…"_

_00000000_

"_We found your wife, your mother – I'm so sorry, she's been killed."_

_00000000_

"No!" she shouted as she shot up in bed, hyperventilating.

"Kate?" Castle exclaimed worriedly as he came crashing into her room.

"C-castle?"

"Hey, it's me. You're ok. You're ok, Kate."

She leaned back against the wall, regaining her bearings. Once she had calmed down a bit she felt like kicking herself for making the kind of scene that would cause him to worry and question her façade.

She let out a ragged sigh and wiped at the tears she had woken up with. She realized her mind was at war with itself: part of her still wanted to retreat back into her shell, but another part of her was tempted to open up about all that had happened in the past few months.

Her collection of contradictions was rearing its frustrating head again.

She glanced at Rick. She hadn't even realized that he had been rubbing small circles on both of her clenched fists, presumably trying to help her calm down.

"Castle, Rick…I…" she was flustered, unsure of how to say this. She could feel herself sliding back into her defensive mode, walls up once again.

"I'm sorry for waking you up. Really. And I'm alright."

"Kate, less than two minutes ago you were crying and hyperventilating and your entire body was shaking."

"Bad dream."

"Kate…"

"Castle. It is," she glanced at her alarm clock, "three o'clock in the morning. Do you really want to have this argument right now?"

"I will if you need to. Friends don't leave friends alone after these kinds of things."

"I'm nineteen, Castle. Completely self-sufficient. And a little tired," she said pointedly.

"Alright. You know, I'm here if you need anything."

"Night, Castle."

"See you later."

She sighed when he left the room. There was no way she would sleep for the rest of the night.

**A/N:**

And there you have it. Just wanted to reinforce that the last scene wasn't meant to be romantic - Castle still very much has feelings for Kyra.

Leave me a prompt when you review (nudge, nudge) and I'll write you a _Castle_ oneshot.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

Kate rose early the following morning. As she had expected, she had hardly slept after her montage of memories. She suddenly had an idea. She went downstairs and slipped into the kitchen, beginning to rummage through the cabinets.

After she had been busily working for a while, a half-awake looking Rick entered the room.

"Morning," he said groggily, "You making breakfast?"

"Your powers of observation are _so_ astute," she replied, "I hope you like waffles."

He brightened, "I definitely _do_. Have you thought about what we're doing for toppings yet?"

"I spotted some strawberries in the fridge."

"That's a start, but oh Kate, I have so much to teach you."

She looked puzzled, "What?"

He opened one of the cupboards and gestured for her to look inside.

"I've got it all in here. Chocolate syrup, caramel, chocolate chips, several types of sprinkles, and most importantly, whipped cream."

"Jeez Castle," she said after taking it all in, "You're like a nine year old on a sugar rush."

"I pride myself on this collection, I will have you know. So what are you in the mood for?"

She rolled her eyes, "I think I'll just stick to fruit."

"If you insist," he replied as he grabbed the whipped cream.

"So," he said when they were seated at the table. All of a sudden he was eying her seriously, "How are you?"

"I'm fine, Castle," she said, hoping it seemed convincing.

For whatever reason, he didn't prod her about it.

"But, I wanted to thank you for," she paused somewhat awkwardly, "Being there. And not pushing me."

He nodded, "Of course."

A few moments later, he added with a grin, "So is that what the waffles are for?"

"Maybe," she replied. She glanced at his plate, "Sheesh, do you think you have enough whipped cream there?"

"Oh Kate," he smiled as he added some fruit to the top of his concoction, "This is the best part."

00000000

"Hi dad," she greeted her father that afternoon. She had finished classes for the day, and they had met up in a coffee shop in the city. Neither of them had been to this particular establishment before. It was somewhere different, somewhere new. Though neither father not daughter had voiced it, they both knew that they didn't want to go to their usual place. It had been Johanna's favorite café.

"How are you Katie?" he asked as he took a seat across from her.

"Alright, I guess. You?"

He gave her a sad little smile, "Same."

"How's Vassar?" he asked after a few moments of silence.

"I like it. Good classes."

"And your living situation?"

"It's fine," she replied. Part of her had expected her father to put her foot down upon learning that she would be living alone in a house with a boy, but he hadn't. She wondered if it was grief that had caused him to let this go – perhaps he didn't have the energy to argue with her after the murder, after the funeral. She figured it came down to either that, or remembering the easiest way to deal with her during her short lived wild child phase.

"Any cases catch your eye at work?" she asked.

"Interesting cases now and then, as usual. It's just nice to stay busy."

She nodded and then realized she couldn't hold back anymore.

"I miss her," she said, blinking rapidly to keep the tears at bay.

"Oh Katie," he took her hand in his, "I miss her too."

00000000

She arrived back at the house that evening and found Rick and another boy sitting in the living room.

"Ahh Kate, you're back," he greeted her cheerfully, "This is my friend Kevin."

"Hey," Kate said.

"Hi," he replied, "And don't listen to him, I go by Ryan."

Rick smirked, "Two first names."

"It's my last name," Ryan clarified for Kate, "I've just always liked it better than Kevin."

She nodded, "Makes sense. At least he didn't feel to completely change his name like someone I know, Castle."

"Hey," Rick said. Ryan grinned.

"So has this one driven you insane yet?" Ryan asked, easy going.

"Well, not quite."

"You and Kyra both seem to be able to withstand him, then."

Rick paled almost imperceptibly.

"Ry," he hissed.

"Kyra?" Kate asked at the same time Rick spoke.

"Sorry, bro," Ryan apologized quickly and genuinely. He changed the subject, "So Kate, you liking Vassar?"

She nodded, "Are you there too?"

"Nope. Juilliard."

"Yeah," Rick smiled, "Lucky bastard doesn't have class tomorrow, so he was able to come out here."

"Nice," Kate said, "What do you play?"

"Piano," Ryan replied.

"I played guitar a few years ago," Kate recalled, "I was going through a bit of a rocker phase."

Rick looked impressed, "There are so many layers to you. You know, you're a bit like an onion."

Ryan laughed, and Kate gave him a look.

"An onion?" she asked.

"Yes. A multi layered, Beckett-y, onion."

00000000

Rick and Kate both sat in the living room. Ryan had left a few hours ago, and the two housemates were occupying themselves with homework and required reading for the following day.

Kate glanced up from the assignment in Eugenides that Gates had given her class. There was a question that had been dancing around in her mind since earlier that afternoon, and she decided to finally voice it.

"Castle?"

"What's up?"

She hesitated.

"Kate?"

"Who's Kyra?"

He paused, "Someone I know, but I would prefer it if we filed her under Things We Don't Talk About for now."

"Of course," Kate responded. She definitely had a few things of her own in that category, and she knew, perhaps better than anyone, that it needed to be respected.

**A/N: **Story based on nattylovesjordy's prompt is up. It's called "Let Them Eat Cake." Hoped you guys liked this chapter!


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

_The house had been bequeathed to him._ – Chapter One

The following morning, Rick was awake uncharacteristically early.

He rarely rose earlier than was necessary – although there he found something romantic about waking in the wee hours of the morning in theory, when it came down to it he would just rather sleep. He was like his mother in that respect; Martha had always found her beauty sleep to be incredibly beneficial. Between the two of them, the Rogers' household had rarely seen anything before the latter half of 7:00 AM.

This morning, however, had started out differently. Rick had departed for the library several hours before his first class would begin. He had something that he needed to do; he hadn't been putting it off, per se, but he hadn't made time for it yet. And while he felt a slight bit of trepidation about what he might find, he was aching to know more, especially now, considering what had happened with the house.

With that in mind, Rick stepped inside of the library, planning to peruse through old newspapers for any information he could find about his father.

00000000

Kate walked quickly down the corridor, not wanting to be late to class. When she'd left the house that morning, Rick had already been gone. It had been somewhat odd without him around. She smiled to herself; she liked his silly antics to an extent. Of course, she this was something that she would never mention to him.

Lost in her thoughts, she felt herself crash into something. Or someone. She quickly looked at the person in question and apologized.

"It's cool, chica," he replied, "You late to class too?"

"I am, actually," she replied, "Where are you headed?"

"Intro to Forensic Science with Pearlmutter," he replied, "And you?"

"Same, actually."

"Nice," he said, "I'm Javier Esposito. Esposito to my friends, but my good friends, they call me Javi."

She rolled her eyes, laughing, "Kate Beckett."

"Well, Beckett. It looks like we're both gonna be late today."

00000000

Kate entered the house later that afternoon to find that she was not alone. She assumed the bustling around in the kitchen was Castle up to some sort of culinary scheme. Heading upstairs, she stopped suddenly when she heard humming.

Castle? Humming?

She smirked and went back downstairs to give him hell.

Upon entering the kitchen, she discovered a redheaded woman rummaging through the refrigerator who smiled upon seeing her.

"My dear, you must be Kate."

"Um," she replied uncertainly, "Hi?"

"I'm Richard's mother."

"Oh," Kate said, smiling, "Hi Mrs. Rogers."

She scoffed, "Please. Martha."

"Oh, hey Kate," Rick said as he entered the room, "I see you and my mother have met."

He spied the beginnings of Martha's concoction on top of the stove, "Please don't tell me you're cooking."

"Oh, Richard, I don't know what you're making such a fuss over."

"Do I really need to remind you of the hors d'oeuvres incident of '89?"

"That was nearly five years ago."

"And it's still engrained in my mind. Please. You'll scare Kate away with your cooking."

"I dunno, Castle, I can hold my own."

"Hey, I'm advocating for your best interests here."

Martha rolled her eyes, "I'm sure Kate doesn't treat her mother and her cooking as such."

"I'm practically positive that there are differences there," Rick replied."

Martha turned to Kate, "Well, dear? Does your mother cook?"

She made a noncommittal response.

"You know, Richard, I'm impressed. This place doesn't look like a hurricane hit. Though I'm sure I have you in part to thank for that," Martha turned again to Kate, looking cheerful.

Kate smiled.

"I've always been neat," Rick objected.

"Relative term," Martha said in response.

"Do you have a purpose here, mother dearest?" Rick smiled, "Or did you just come to harass us?"

"Don't be silly Richard. I am always a woman with a purpose."

"How could I forget?"

"I just wanted to say hello, meet Kate. And I must say, Richard, you have a lovely housemate."

Kate blushed, "Thank you, Martha."

Rick feigned pondering for a few seconds, "Well, mother, I suppose you're not all bad."

00000000

Safe in the quiet of her bedroom, Kate led out a long sigh. Martha seemed nice, but the encounter had caused her to miss her own mother even more. Granted, her relationship with Castle seemed different, but she was nonetheless a mother who loved her kid. It was something that she no longer had, Kate thought to herself.

And cooking. Her mind flashed to the Sunday brunches that she had grown up with, that she would never experience again.

She closed her eyes and tried to put it all out of her mind.

00000000

"Richard, I like her," Martha proclaimed quietly after Kate had went into her bedroom.

He nodded in agreement.

"You know," Martha said, her voice still low, "I know you're hoping things will still work out with Kyra, but she isn't the only fish in the sea."

"Where are you going with this?" he asked suspiciously.

Martha looked upstairs pointedly, in the direction of Kate's bedroom.

"You know, I cannot imagine anyone else's mother trying to suggest to her college aged son that he get involved with his female housemate."

"You and I aren't like other people, Richard."

He knew her words were true. He and his mother were incredibly close, what with it only being the two of them. If he considered their relationship realistically, it was part mother-son and part and part close, candid friend.

"I just want you to be happy," Martha continued, "And if Kyra _doesn't_ make you happy, it isn't the end of the world. You have other options. And Kate…I like Kate."

"I like her too. But not like that. Not now."

"Alright," Martha said. She let the subject go and they lapsed into silence.

It felt weird not telling her about the investigating he'd been doing that morning, he reflected. He wanted to keep it to himself, though. This project of his was solely his own. And it was something that, in a way, he could share with his father.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven**

Rick sighed, emitting a mix of frustration and disappointment. He was a good student and liked to think that he'd perfected his researching abilities during his four years of high school and semester or so of college, but he hadn't been able to find anything about his father. He'd begun his quest and dedicated hour after hour attempting to learn something about the man and had been left with very little.

He was disappointed. He'd thought that living in his father's old house would give him some sort of connection to the man, and it did, in a way, but it wasn't enough. Rick lived for stories, and he knew that they were always there. His problem was that this particular story was taking its sweet time before it presented itself. The house itself had been devoid of any sort of trinkets that might give hints; all he'd had to go on there was that the man in question had had money, judging from the beauty of the house that he'd left to the son he'd never met. But other than that, anything went. Martha had told him he'd worked in the theatre, and that was it. It was one of the few subjects they didn't talk about. The main lead he had to go on was the man's name, which he had gotten from the will.

He had perused newspaper after newspaper, hoping something might come up in the arts section. He sighed again but still had his resolve to keep looking. It was a story that he was determined to uncover. And what was more, it kept his mind from wandering to Kyra. The wait was beginning to kill him, but he was still sure that she would come around eventually. She just had to. With that thought, he got back to his search.

00000000

"Castle's hardly been around lately," Kate told Esposito as they sat together after Pearlmutter's class.

"Thought you'd be relieved about that," he teased, "Let's see, what have you called him in the past? Man-child, nine year old on a sugar rush, annoying."

"Yeah, but…I dunno. He actually has his moments of maturity, surprising as that may seem. And he helps take my mind off things."

Curious as he was, Esposito knew asking his friend exactly what she was trying to get her mind away from would get him nowhere. Kate was often incredibly reserved. And although he found this unnerving at times, Esposito figured if she was going to talk to him, she'd do so at her own pace.

"You should meet him," she continued, "And my friend Laine's coming out here soon, so you could meet her, too."

"Just gimme a day and I'm there."

00000000

_She was running. She couldn't be late and miss this moment. Picking up speed, she moved faster, running through the landscape with all of her strength._

_She couldn't miss this. She wouldn't miss this._

_She smiled when she finally saw her mother._

"_Mom!" she called out._

_Her mother looked as though she were about to say something, but she had begun to fade away and was gone before Kate could fully comprehend what was happening._

_And then Detective Raglan had replaced her mother._

"_I told you, girl, she's dead."_

00000000

She woke up suddenly, both fists clenched. She felt tense in general. Standing up, she left her room and headed toward the stairs. She didn't want to sleep anymore. She was coping, could get through the days without panicking or crying. When she slept, everything that she had successfully evaded came running back to her at full speed.

She hated it. Avoidance was her coping mechanism of choice. Couldn't her subconscious respect that?

"Kate?" Castle asked, bringing her out of her thoughts.

"Oh. Castle. Hey," she said. She pulled up her pajama top up a bit, feeling self-conscious all of a sudden.

"What are you doing?" she asked, sitting down next to him as she tried to put the dream out of her mind. He had a pile of newspapers and a highlighter by his side.

"Just – um, project," he replied, "What are you doing up? Can't sleep?"

"Nope. So what have you been up to these past few days? Or do I want to know?" she smirked.

"Hey," he replied, grinning, "Kate Beckett, you missed me, didn't you?"

"Please. I never said that."

"It was all in the subtext."

"You and your crazy theories."

"Don't deny that they're spot on, Kate."

She shook her head, but she couldn't help but smile: Castle had managed to cheer her up in under five minutes.

00000000

Rick grinned, "Party's almost starting."

Kate rolled her eyes, "It isn't a party, Castle. We're just having a few friends over.

"Right," Rick paused, looking thoughtful, "Though we_ should_ throw a party sometime. They're one of my specialties."

"Specialties, eh?" Kate asked dryly.

He nodded, "Parties, writing, and quoting the works of Edgar Allan Poe."

"Really?"

"Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door," he said, standing up.

She shook her head, "You and your theatrics."

"No, really, Kate, someone's at the door."

He opened it to find Laine standing on the front porch.

"Hey!" she exclaimed cheerfully, "You must be the Castle I've heard so much about."

"Hey Laine," Kate said.

"Hey girl."

"Yo," Esposito said as he and Ryan stepped inside, door still open from Laine's entrance.

"Hey," Rick and Kate said simultaneously.

"You guys have already met?" Kate asked.

"Yeah, I got lost coming over and Ryan helped me out," Esposito explained.

Ryan nodded.

"Aren't you guys cute?" Laine smiled.

"Huh?" Ryan asked.

"I see the beginnings of a beautiful friendship," she continued.

"You always have such fast opinions about other people, chica?" Esposito asked her.

"You have no idea," Kate laughed.

Laine smiled again, "I could give a few insights about Writer Boy, too."

"Hey, it's Writer Man," Rick corrected good-naturedly.

"Alright Writer _Man_, spill," Laine instructed, "How'd a broke college student get this house? It's gorgeous."

"Yeah, I haven't heard this story either yet, Castle," Kate added.

He shrugged, "It was in the family."

"I wish my family had a house near NYU," Laine said, "My roommates are terrible."

"Laine, your parents live under an hour away from NYU," Kate looked amused.

"Girl, there is no way I'm living at home. I love my family, but they drive me _crazy_," she replied.

"What are you studying?" Esposito asked Laine.

"Pre-med. And yourself?"

"I'm undeclared."

"Well, you've got plenty of time to figure that out."

00000000

A few days later, Kate called her dad. It had been awhile since they'd spoken. She frowned when the call went to voicemail. It had done that the day before as well, and it was unlike him.

"Hi Dad, it's Kate," she spoke into her phone, "Just calling to say hi, I guess. Um, things here are ok. School's fine. And Castle – Rick – and I had some friends over the other day, which also went well. Anyway, talk to you later, Dad. Bye."


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight**

Rick stared at the newspaper in front of him in disbelief.

He sadly shook his head. If he had been on top of his game, he probably would have been able to figure this out before. All the hints had been there: the way she only spoke of her father, her lack of sleep, the fact that there was clearly something wrong.

He was a writer, and he'd always thought that this fact had made him inclined to be observant; this, however, he had completely been oblivious to. Some writer, and what was more, some friend he had been. They'd had the conversation in which she told him there were things she didn't want to talk about, but he hadn't thought they were anything of this magnitude. He hadn't put the pieces together.

He'd stumbled upon the answer to a question he hadn't even considered looking for while completely immersed in his own problems. While trying to learn more about his father, he'd found exactly what Kate didn't want to share with him. The obituary sat in the newspaper before him, and the name Johanna Beckett had engraved itself into his mind.

00000000

"Hey, Castle," Kate said as she entered the room he was in, "we should probably make a run to the store, we're out of –"

She stopped upon seeing the distraught look on his face, "Castle?"

His sad expression was now colored with a shade of hesitancy, as though he wasn't sure what he should say.

"Rick?" she asked again, sitting down next to him, "What's wrong?"

"I didn't mean to be invasive, I mean, you said you didn't want to talk about it and I didn't mean to disrespect that," his voice trailed off, "Your mother, Kate. I'm so sorry."

"What?" she stood up, looking emotional, "Richard Castle, you didn't."

"It wasn't intentional, Kate, I swear. I came across her obit by chance," he responded, trying to reassure her.

He studied her. She had moved away from him, into the furthest corner of the front room, and he couldn't quite read her expression.

"Kate?" he said tentatively.

"No," she snapped, "Don't. Just don't. Leave me the_ hell _alone, Castle."

As soon as she told him off, she was sprinting to the door, and she was out of the house before he could say anything else.

He contemplated following her to be sure she was alright, but he ultimately decided against it. She probably wanted space, or at the very least, time away from him. He hadn't meant any harm, but his actions had been invasive of her privacy nonetheless. And knowing Kate, she would only open up when she was ready.

He reflected once more on what he had discovered. Her mother was dead. He sighed, wondering how she dealt with it. How did someone deal with a loss like that? Life without a parent had to be one of the most daunting things that a person could face. He'd experienced a bit of that with his absent father, but he couldn't imagine having and then losing a parent. He didn't want to think about what he would do if something like that were to happen to Martha.

He furrowed his brow, trying to figure out what to do, what to say when she returned. He needed to help mend this for her.

00000000

"Kate," Lanie carefully studied her friend and decided to hit the nail right on the head, "What are you running from?"

"I don't know," she answered defensively, "Can't I just be allowed to run?"

"To a certain extent, yes."

"I mean, I was doing fine. I'd made friends. We were like a little group. Us, Castle, Javi, and Ryan. I'd adjusted_ fine_. For the first time since it happened, since my mother never showed up for dinner, I didn't feel completely lost all of the time. And then Castle has to go and play private detective! How is dwelling on the past going to make my life any better, Lanie?"

"You have to come to terms with it, Kate," Lanie said softly as she responded to her friend's outburst.

"Shouldn't that be my choice? All of this stuff – everything is just being thrown at me and I feel like I have no control over anything," her lower lip trembled, and she looked as though she were about to cry.

"Oh honey."

"You know, I was escaping pretty well. School kept me busy, and Castle's so…it just seemed like he was everything I needed at the time. Lighthearted and fun. That helped so much…he lifted this huge weight from my shoulders. I could just get lost in that and forget about mom."

"Maybe he's still what you need," Lanie suggested, "Maybe he can help you deal with what happened to your mom."

Kate stared at her hands.

"What if I'm not ready to do that?" she asked as she looked up at Lanie.

"Girl, I get that it's hard. Really hard. But Kate, you'll have to come to terms with it eventually."

"Yeah," Kate looked conflicted.

"And you won't be alone. You'll never be alone."

"He's going to think I'm weird," Kate said, changing the subject slightly.

Lanie looked at her, waiting for further explanation.

"I literally stormed off earlier today."

"I'm sure you didn't scare Writer Boy too badly," Lanie reassured her.

"And it scares the hell out of me, but I guess it's time I accepted what happened with my mom," Kate switched to the other subject at hand.

Lanie nodded supportively.

"You know, she'd be proud of you," she told Kate, "After everything happened, you transfer from one amazing school to another that's closer so you can deal with it all, be close to family. And so what if you got a bit deterred? I know you have it in you to deal with this."

Kate smiled wryly, "You've got such a good opinion of me."

"Kate Beckett. Am I not famous for my ability to read people?"

00000000

After she left Lanie's, she entered the house slowly and tentatively. She didn't want to rush head on into an uncomfortable position, and so she was cautious.

Castle was sitting in the kitchen.

"Hey," he greeted her, his eyes sincere and his face earnest. It was a peace offering.

She took it, "Hey."

He studied her carefully. Sometimes he could read Kate easily, and other times she was a complete mystery. Considering the morning they'd had, she seemed calm that evening.

She took a seat at the table, "So…I flipped out on you."

"S'ok," he replied.

"And you found out about my mom."

"Can I explain?" he asked.

She would have smirked if their scenario were about any other topic, "I thought I was going to be doing the explaining tonight. But go ahead."

"I was poking around, but not in your life. Not intentionally. There are shadows in my life, too, and I was trying to figure them out.

"Oh?"

"You know this was my father's house, Kate?"

"You'd mentioned it was in your family."

"Kind of. Well, yes, technically. But I never knew my father. Never met him, never knew who he really was. Mother told me they were in working in the same theatre at one point, and that's about it. And I've pretty much put him out of mind for most of my life, I think partially as a coping mechanism, you know?"

"I can relate."

"Yeah," Castle continued, "He wasn't interested in me, so I wasn't interested in his story. But then, few months after I'd decided I was going to Vassar, I get this letter. And basically what it came to is that he died, and he left me this house…and I had to think about it for a while, but in the end I decided to take it. I decided I wanted to find out more about my father. It was a story that I needed to pursue, after eighteen years. That was what I was doing when I found your mom's obituary, Kate. Trying to find information, any information, about my father. And I've monopolized this conversation, so I'll stop now."

She sighed sadly, "It's ok, Castle. So, um…I'm not sure how much you've already figured out, but," Kate closed her eyes briefly as she remembered that night. Quickly, she opened them again, "I was home from Stanford. Winter break. My parents and I were going out for dinner."

She paused to collect herself; Rick waited patiently.

"My mom never made it to the restaurant, so my dad and I headed home, and a few hours later there's this detective at the door. Raglan," she said his name as if it were something poisonous and then paused again.

"They'd found her in an alley," she said, her voice barely more than a whisper, "Stabbed."

"Oh, Kate," Rick responded, "I'm sorry. So sorry.

She sat silent and motionless for a while. He stayed with her.

"Castle?" she spoke again after some time had passed.

"Yeah?" he answered.

"It might be too late for this, but promise me…can things stay the same between s?"

"How so?"

"I don't want you to look at me and see the girl whose mother was killed."

"You'll be more than that, Kate. Always."

"You want to know something?" she asked after a brief moment of hesitation.

He smiled, "Tell me."

"If I catch you repeating this I'll probably storm off again, but you…you make things bit easier. The way you make us laugh. With your sense of fun."

"Those are more of my specialties," he said warmly.

"Just how many specialties do you have, Castle?"

"Oh, quite a few."

They were quiet again for a bit, and then she sighed.

"What?" he asked.

"You know," she answered, "Between your father and my mother, one could say that we're quite the pair."

"Yeah. Yeah, that's true," he agreed.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine**

"Richard, I do think it would be nice if we had Kate and her parents over for dinner at our place in the city," Martha told her son over the phone several days later. It was Monday, the start of the week.

"Maybe. It's just her and her father," Rick replied.

"Oh?" Martha inquired.

He sighed, "Mother, nosiness never did look good on you."

Martha let out an indignant sound.

"I don't know what on earth led you to such a conclusion," she said.

"It was all in the tone of your voice."

"Whatever you say, dear," Martha sounded unconvinced, "Oh, so did I tell you the company's decided that their next production will be _Arms and the Man_?"

"You know, I could see you as Captain Bluntschli," he quipped.

"Oh, Richard, honestly."

He looked up at the sound of the front door opening, which meant that Kate was home. He smiled.

"Mother, can I call you back later?"

"Of course, dear. Maybe sometime tomorrow afternoon."

"I'll talk to you then. Bye."

"Goodbye dear."

"Hi," he greeted Kate.

"Hey Castle."

"How's Gates?"

"She was in a crabby mood to begin with, and then it turned out about half the class hadn't read for the day, so…"

He winced, "You know, you have to wonder why she teaches in the first place if she seems to hate students so much."

She shrugged, "I don't spend much time analyzing Gates. But what are your theories, Castle?"

"Honestly? I could see her as a cop. Can you imagine her interrogating people? They'd easily break under her glare."

She laughed.

"Hey, what are you doing this weekend?" she asked after a brief hesitation.

"Nothing, as of right now. Why, wanna do something?" he replied.

"Yeah, um, my dad and I are going out for brunch on Saturday. Want to come along?"

"Sure," he replied. He smiled at the significance of the question: he and Kate had slowly become true friends. He knew that this invitation meant that she was willingly opening up to him and ready to show him a bit more of her life, and this wasn't something that she did with just anybody. He had worried that she would pull away after he found out about her mother, but so far that hadn't been the case.

"Cool," her expression was subtler but mirrored his.

"Funny coincidence that you ask now, cause I was just on the phone with my mother, and she was trying to get you and your father to come over for dinner."

"I like Martha," she said warmly.

"You've never lived with her."

"I bet you wouldn't trade those years with her for the world," she grinned, "Don't lie to me, Richard Castle."

"Fine. Just don't tell her I said so," he admitted. He smiled, "It'd inflate her ego even further."

She laughed and shook her head.

"Oh," she said, "I almost forgot. Lanie wants to know if we all want to go out on Thursday. She already asked Espo and he's in. You're supposed to ask Ryan."

"Sounds like a plan," he replied, "I'll call him now."

00000000

For the most part, Rick felt that he was handling his situation with Kyra pretty well. She'd wanted space. It hadn't been an ending. She'd just needed space. He hadn't pestered her. He had respected her wishes and given her exactly what she'd asked for: space.

It hadn't been easy for him, and that was a bit of an understatement. He missed everything about her. He had to deal with all of this somehow, and his method of choice was to simply not think about her. He wasn't forgetting her; he was temporarily putting her out of mind while her gave her the space she needed until she was ready to come back to him.

He was usually able to do this somewhat successfully. Most times, he was able to distract himself somewhat successfully.

His problem was that right now wasn't going like most times.

He couldn't get Kyra out of his mind.

He wondered when she would come back.

He was quiet for a while, mulling over this and trying not to worry. She would come back, he reassured himself, she wasn't the type of girl to just leave and break his heart. She just needed some time.

His inner monologue was interrupted when he heard something in the next room that sounded suspiciously like crying. He got up and knocked at her door.

"Kate? Can I come in?"

"Yeah," she replied quickly. She wiped at her face.

He sat down next to her on the bed, "You ok?"

"Yeah," she said again.

He looked at her knowingly, unconvinced.

"Ok..I…I just," she bit her lip, looking heartbroken, "I miss her."

"Do you know what it's like, Castle?" she continued, "I feel like I'm lost with no chance of ever being found."

"Oh, Kate," he responded sadly.

"Sometimes I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. I know I need to come to terms with what happened to her, but I don't know how to do that. And how am I even supposed to be acting right now? Is it wrong to spend time with friends, that I'm actually really looking forward to going out with you guys? Am I still supposed to be mourning?"

"Kate, no," he reassured her, "It's not wrong to keep living. You can't give that up, and it's not dishonoring her memory.

They were quiet for a few minutes, still sitting side by side on her bed.

"Thanks for putting up with me," she said.

"Always."

"So what's bugging you?" she asked. It was her turn to play the role of concerned friend.

He looked perplexed, "How'd you know?"

"Well, Lanie isn't the only one who can read people," she replied, "You were kinda quiet this afternoon."

He looked at her sadly, "Don't laugh."

"Rick, of course not."

"So," he began, thinking intently about the story he was about to share with her, "High school. Spring of sophomore year, I started dating my friend Kyra. She was different from any other girl I'd ever been interested in, and she became my best friend."

Kate nodded, wondering where this was going. She remembered that Ryan had brought Kyra up on the day that she'd first met him, albeit briefly and seemingly wrongly. It was interesting imagining Rick in a relationship – it was a side of him that she hadn't seen, although she could imagine it. If he wasn't so obviously sad about something pertaining to the situation, she would have smiled, maybe bit her lip.

"Suddenly, not long before I met you, she says she needs space. To just think and be on her own for a while. And if that was something that she needed, I would never deny it to her. So I haven't called, or talked to, or seen her since then. And, I just…it really tears me up sometimes, not having her in my life."

"I'm sorry, Castle."

"I dunno, Kate," he continued, "If it were anyone else I'd think I was being strung along. But not Kyra…she wouldn't do that."

"How long's it been, Rick?"

"Since November."

"And you haven't contacted her at all since then?"

"No. She wanted space. I've been giving it to her."

Kate looked thoughtful, "If it's been that long, it might not hurt to call her, see if she's ready to talk about things. You've given her a lot of space."

He nodded, "I might. I don't want to mess this up. I don't want to lose her."

00000000

"Hey, where is everyone?" Ryan asked as he took a seat next to Kate. They'd started the night off at Remy's and had ended up at a party that people both Lanie and Ryan knew had organized.

"Castle is somewhere," Kate supplied, "and Lanie and Javi are dancing."

Ryan grinned, "I totally called that."

Kate chuckled, "What about you, Ryan? Seeing anyone?"

He smiled, "Yeah. Jenny. We've been together for five months."

"You should bring her along next time."

"Yeah. What about you?"

She shook her head, "Not since high school."

"Ahh," he replied. He frowned lightly, "Where_ is_ Castle?"

Kate shrugged, "The guy claims to specialize in parties, Ryan. I wouldn't worry too much."

He bit his lip, "Yeah..."

"Hey, can I ask you something?"

He looked at her, "Sure. What's up?"

"Rick told me about Kyra last week," she began.

Ryan looked serious, "Oh man. She's the love of his life. What exactly did he tell you?"

"Pretty much that she was the love of his life, and that they haven't talked for the past few months."

"Yeah," Ryan nodded, "It was so out of the blue. I definitely never saw anything like that coming. They both seemed so happy, and they brought out the best in each other. Before he was with Kyra, Rick was sort of full of himself."

Kate made a face.

"A lot more full of himself than he is now," Ryan corrected, "And he started taking things more seriously, when they needed to be. It just seemed like a really good relationship for both of them."

"Do you think this is her way of ending things with him?" Kate asked.

"I really don't know anymore. At first I didn't think so, because they didn't seem to be having any sort of problems and she was just too nice of a girl to do something like that, but now? It's been so long, and she hasn't gotten in touch with him at all, so I'm not sure what to think. And I try to talk to Rick about it and he just gets defensive."

Kate nodded.

"The fact that he told you, that's really big," Ryan continued, "Right now, he doesn't bring her up with just anybody. Actually, hardly anyone."

"He's a good guy," she said, "I don't want to see him get hurt."

"Yeah, I worry what it'd do to him," he replied, "The thing about Rick is that he comes off as really carefree and casual, which he is, but once he cares for you it runs really deeply."

She nodded again.

"Hey!" Rick said cheerfully, appearing next to them.

Kate rolled her eyes, "Speak of the devil."

"Were you talking about how ruggedly handsome I am? So why are you sitting around, anyway? You guys are no fun."

Kate smirked, "Don't claim to know the Beckett union, Castle."

"Come on guys, the night is still young," he laughed as he pulled them out of their seats and into the crowd.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter Ten**

"Something smells amazing," Rick commented as he entered the kitchen.

Kate rolled her eyes playfully, "You're such a caveman."

"Am not. I'm just in tune with my stomach. Very much so. So what are you cooking?"

"Spaghetti," she replied.

He looked at her hopefully.

"Yeah," she replied, "Go set the table or somehow make yourself useful somehow, though."

"Ok," he agreed, and soon enough, they were sitting down to their meal.

"So what time are we doing to the city tomorrow?" he asked, thinking about the brunch they were having with her father.

"Around 11:30. Does that work?"

"Yeah," he took a bite of food, "Oh man, you really know how to cook."

"Maybe you just know how to eat," she smirked.

"No, seriously, Kate, this is really good. So did you miss the fact that most people our age eat pop tarts and ramen?"

She made a face, "Geez, Castle, what kind of combination is that?"

"Not together."

"Just because the likes of you perpetrate that stereotype about college students doesn't mean it's true."

"Hey, I'll have you know that I cook real food."

"Really?"

"Yep. I've perfected something called a smorelette."

She laughed, "You know what, I'm not just not going to ask about that one."

"Oh Kate," he grinned, "You have no idea."

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Come Saturday, they were seated a café in the city, waiting for her father. She was sitting next to him at their table, and he could feel how tense she was.

"Kate," he said.

"Castle," she bit her lip, "I feel like I'm having déjà vu."

"No," he reassured, knowing what she was thinking, "You don't know that this is like last time."

"Then where is he, Castle?" she sounded half worried and half exasperated, "My dad was supposed to be here a half hour ago, and he's never late."

"Why don't we head over to your place? Maybe he got delayed there."

"Yeah, ok."

They stood up and left, leaving plans for brunch behind.

00000000

They arrived at her family's brownstone not long after their hurried exit from the cafe. She put her key in the lock and opened the door with Rick close behind her.

"Dad?" she called out.

They surveyed the empty front room. There was no sign that anything was amiss. Kate went upstairs, and Rick went into the kitchen.

"Castle! He's here in my mom's office."

Hearing the worry in her voice, he sprinted up the stairs. He saw Kate's father, slumped over and seemingly unconscious in a desk chair.

"He won't wake up, and he smells like he's been drinking ," she was unaffected now, almost in shock, "I'm gonna call 911 to be safe."

00000000

Rather than ride in the ambulance with her father, she and Rick took his car to the hospital.

"You sure you don't want to go with them?" he asked, giving her a concerned look.

"Castle," she said shortly as she shot him an angry stare.

"Sorry," he said. He should have known better than to question her at a time like this – it definitely wouldn't help the already difficult situation that the day had consisted of thus far, and she didn't need anything else to further stress her.

"I'd rather not see him like that," she offered a few minutes later, "And it's not like I can say anything to him in his current state."

He nodded.

"Rick," she said, her voice breaking, "It's like one thing is piling on top of another and I'm so scared to see what will happen next."

Seeing the look on her face, he pulled over and hugged her tightly as she cried on his shoulder.

00000000

"I found the vending machines," Rick said a few hours later as he reentered the hospital waiting room. He had been hungry and Kate had looked hungry, so he'd set off in search of food.

"Thanks," she said as he handed her a granola bar.

"Of course," he replied, "Any news?"

She nodded, "They're treating him for alcohol poisoning."

"Geeze, Kate. I'm sorry."

She shrugged, looking thoughtful. There was a pained look on her face.

"Rick?"

"Yeah?"

"I've called my aunt, and I'll probably be here really late, so you don't have to stay," she told him.

"I'm definitely staying," he replied, "I don't want to leave you here."

"Thank you…for having my back."

"Always."

He wanted to ask her how she was but was worried about pushing her. Kate had seemed so closed off when they had first met, and he didn't want to risk her trust by pressuring her. And anyway, he already had an idea of how she was doing by the look on her face – the sad expression had been there ever since she'd broken down earlier in his car.

Rather than saying anything further, he took her hand in his. She was his housemate and his friend, and he wouldn't let her face her troubles alone.

00000000

He managed to wake up before her the next morning. They hadn't arrived home until nighttime, and she was probably exhausted. In all honesty, he was surprised that he was awake, but seeing as he had been lying in bed, staring at his ceiling for what felt like hours, he'd decided to get up.

The quiet of the morning reminded him of something that he needed to do. And it wasn't that he didn't want to do it, but he was somewhat nervous about the outcome. Something about the silence and almost emptiness of that morning made it difficult to put things out of his mind.

He picked up the phone and dialed Kyra's number. When it went to voicemail, he began to speak.

"Hey, it's me. I just thought I'd give you a call. If you still want space, that's fine. I don't want to pressure you…like I said before, I'll always wait for you. Just…could you call me? I guess I just want to say hi, to you and not your voicemail."

Satisfied with the message he left, he glanced at the clock. Still plenty of time to make breakfast for Kate and himself. She had taken the lead on dinner the other night, and so he wanted to surprise her with food that morning. They were sort of like yin and yang; they balanced each other out. And he was currently planning on making it his mission to take her mind off things with the perfection that was the smorelette.


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: For anyone familiar with Potter Puppet Pals, picture the scene in Wizard Angst with Harry banging his head against the wall. Yep, welcome to the angst fest…

Also, two updates in two days, whoo! I'm trying to get at least a good chunk of this story finished before my semester starts again, because not enough time to write fic is an unfortunate side effect of being a full time student.

Chapter Eleven

Rick had gone out with Ryan and Esposito to see a movie. They'd ended up getting food afterward, and they were just heading home. He'd invited Kate, and he wished she'd joined them, but she had said no. Her excuse had been studying, but he suspected it had something to do with her mother's death and her father's drinking. She had looked upset ever since they'd taken her father to the hospital last week, and he doubted she was sleeping much.

He sighed. He wanted her to be ok.

"What's up?" Ryan asked him as they left their burger place.

He shrugged, "Just thinking too much."

He wasn't sure if she had said anything to Ryan or Esposito about what had happened to her family, and he wanted to respect her boundaries.

"Well, don't think yourself to death."

"Hey, Ryan, don't be ridiculous. It's me we're talking about."

Ryan began to say something, but his voice trailed off midsentence.

"Bro, what's going on?" Esposito asked.

Rick looked at what they were staring at. When he saw the scene in the coffee shop across the street that had caught their attention, he was momentarily unable to move.

"What?" Esposito asked again.

"Rick!" Ryan called as he began to cross the street.

Rick didn't answer him. The only thing he was able to think about was that he'd just seen Kyra kissing someone else.

"Bro, what just happened?" Esposito asked a third time.

"His heart was just broken," Ryan said softly.

00000000

He entered the shop and approached them.

"Kyra?"

"Oh god, Rick," she took a step away from the boy she was with.

The guy studied Rick and Kyra.

"You know, I'll give you two a minute," he said, making a quick exit.

"Kyra, what's going on?" he asked her, a lost look in his eyes. She'd been his guidepost, his north star for so long now. She'd made him into the person he was today, and he wasn't sure if he could truly process the thought of losing her.

"Rick," she said again. She paused, unable to look at him, "Sit down."

"I'm not sure I want to," he replied, looking hurt, "You were at this table with him. Who is he?"

"I…I met him in my English class."

"You were kissing him," he said. He didn't sound accusatory; he sounded broken.

"Yeah," she said softly, "I – I'm sorry, Rick, we've been seeing each other."

"But we were together!" his voice rose slightly, "You said you just needed some space, so I gave it to you. And you go and start seeing other people?"

He stared at her in disbelief.

"I'm sorry," she said again, her voice breaking, "What I said about space…you know how my parents are, how nothing I did was good enough, including you –"

"But we'd talked about that, and I thought –"

"I know! But I just…I was so stressed about school, and everything, and I just thought that maybe I could have my parents on my side, for once, and the idea of it was so nice, that I just decided to go with it. And Rick…"

She paused.

"I didn't want to face the fact that it seemed like we were growing apart."

"What?"

"I said –"

"No," he interrupted, "I heard you. I just don't agree."

She sighed, "I was in love with the idea of being in love with you, and I didn't want to burst that bubble."

He studied her sadly, "You have a funny way of showing it."

"Rick –"

"Kyra, almost four years. Did that mean anything to you?"

"Of course it did!"

"I don't understand why you would throw it away," he said. He left the coffee shop, leaving her by herself.

00000000

She was being completely irrational, she reasoned with herself.

Richard Castle was perfectly independent and capable of taking care of himself. He was smart, and for heaven's sake, he claimed to specialize in parties.

All of that in mind, there was no reason for her to worry over his being gone all day and not having called.

Jeez Kate, what are you, his mother? She asked herself. Calm down.

She still couldn't shake the feeling that something was amiss.

She bit her lip worriedly. This feeling reminded her far too much of waiting for her mother, and then her father to show up. Of course, this time would be different, because Rick would arrive home perfectly fine. There would be no detectives or hospital visits involved this time.

She just wished he would hurry home to her.

00000000

She let out an audible sigh of relief when she heard the front door open.

"Hey," she called from her bedroom.

"Kaaaaate," he slurred loudly, causing her to frown. She could hear him making his way up the stairs.

"Rick?"

"Heeey Kate," he said again, entering her room.

"Castle, are you drunk?" she asked, her tone accusing and her voice suspicious.

He shrugged listlessly, "Hell of a day, Kate."

"You are," she observed, looking upset.

"But Kate, she broke my heart!" he justified.

"Castle, get out," she growled.

"But I want to tell you about it," he pushed again.

She broke, "God damn it, Rick! I don't care, ok? I can barely deal with one drunk, let alone two. Just go!"

00000000

He woke with a splitting headache and little memory of the night before. At the moment, the only truth for him was that Kyra had betrayed him. He had been a mess after leaving the coffee shop, but he somehow managed to convince Ryan and Esposito that he was fine. After they'd finally left – after hours of Ryan staring at him worriedly and Esposito criticizing the entire female population in what was obviously sympathy, he'd spent the evening wandering around aimlessly and had eventually ended up at a party. He'd had a ton to drink. He didn't care; he just wanted to forget. And it had worked, temporarily, but now the alcohol had worn off and his head was pounding as remembered everything that Kyra had done.

In a bad mood, he made his way downstairs. Kate was sitting on the couch on the front room, looking as though she hadn't slept much. When she saw him, she turned away.

"What?" he asked gruffly.

"Nothing," she said shortly, heading upstairs.

He frowned and wondered what her problem was. Not giving her a second thought, he stepped into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator.

00000000

She resisted the temptation to slam her door. It had taken awhile, but she had come to trust Rick. Now she found herself unable to forget the memory of the prior night. Was there no one she could count on anymore? His slurred words and the obvious smell of alcohol were a betrayal that cut her deeply. He knew everything that she was dealing with and yet he had come home like that. He would have to have known that she wouldn't able to be ok with his drunken state.

Maybe she had been crazy to trust him. Maybe Lanie had been wrong – maybe she was meant to come to terms with these things all alone and feel every excruciating second. Starting with her mother's death, the people she thought she could rely on had started falling like dominoes.

00000000

Still angry, Rick made his way up the stairs and into his room. He shut the door behind him.

He had loved Kyra for so long. Now it felt like he had loved her for too long – she was too much of a part of him now, and he needed to somehow rid himself of her. She had moved on. Now he needed to do the same, somehow.

How did you get over someone that you still loved so strongly, even if you were hurt and upset with her?

He moved erratically around his room, gathering up everything that was related to Kyra. Every gift, every trinket, every picture: they all needed to go. He couldn't wallow or hide in their memories together. They were over – she had ended them.

His chest actually ached – so much of what he had believed to be true, so much of what he had believed in had fallen apart and left him standing by himself.

So much of what he believed in was currently being shoved into a cardboard box, on its way to being discarded.

00000000

Later, they both exited their rooms at the same time and collided into one another.

Kate hissed in pain, "What is _in _that box?"

"The weight of lies," he replied darkly.

She rolled her eyes. She wasn't wearing her usual playful expression; she looked annoyed.

"What?" he challenged.

"Going overboard with the metaphors again, don't you think?"

"Do you have a problem with that?" he asked coolly.

She went downstairs without saying another word to him.

"What?" he demanded, "What did I do?"


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter Twelve

"Think Pearlmutter will ever wake up on the right side of the bed?" Esposito asked Kate as they left the office of the professor in question.

"Doubtful," she replied, a faraway look in her eyes.

"You're right, probably. Want to get coffee?" he asked. He could tell something was on her mind, and today it was more than usual. He hoped she would talk to him, but from what he had seen and what Lanie had told him, he couldn't help but doubt that she would.

He still couldn't help but worry about her. He had suspected that she'd been going through something for the majority of their friendship, but whatever it was seemed magnified today – the faraway, grieving look and the sorrowful expression were all too prominent.

"Yeah, sure."

They began their walk to the café in comfortable silence.

Kate sighed, and Esposito gave her a slightly concerned glance.

"You alright?" he asked.

"Fine," she replied.

He looked at her knowingly and decided to take a chance.

"You're not fine," he told her, "You're just trying to act like you are."

She froze, "Javi…"

"And it's ok that you're not fine, but you can't hide from it."

She exhaled slowly and slid down so that she was sitting on the ground. He sat next to her. She opened her mouth, tentatively, and before she could stop herself she was telling Javier about everything: her mother, transferring to be back in New York, her father.

"I just feel like I've failed so terribly. The whole reason I left California was to be closer to family, and my dad is having such a hard time with things and having these difficulties and I didn't even know until it was almost too late," she said.

"Kate, look at me," he said, and she did so, eyes red, "You can't blame yourself for what's going on with your dad. You didn't make him turn to the bottle. It isn't your fault. And you can't blame yourself for not knowing about it sooner, either. People deal with these things differently, and if yours was to be alone and withdraw for a bit, that's ok."

"I feel so damaged sometimes."

"Sounds like you've been through hell. It's understandable. But don't run from it. Don't treat it like a weakness. Make it into a strength. Grow from the experience."

She sighed, "I really need to learn how to not run from things."

"Well, you've got me and Lanie to help. And Ryan and Writer Boy for sure."

"Only three out of four."

He frowned slightly, "What happened?"

"Castle came home drunk this weekend," she said shortly.

Esposito groaned, "I can explain that one. I mean, I'm pretty sure I can tell you why he did it, but I can't excuse it. Castle found Kyra locking lips with another guy after we'd gone to the movies."

She looked a little surprised and then thought for a moment, "You know, I think he tried to tell me as much."

"Yeah?"

"But Kate, she broke my heart," she quoted.

Esposito nodded, "You know, him getting like that was pretty thoughtless, not to mention stupid, but maybe you should give him a chance to explain himself. And if he doesn't apologize, I may have to kick his ass."

"I'd probably beat you to it," she replied wryly. She spoke again, "Javi?"

"Yeah?

"Thank you."

"Of course. It's what friends are for."

00000000

She arrived back at the house later that afternoon. Castle's car was in the driveway. Good, she thought, he's home. She hadn't wanted anything to do with him the night before, but she was feeling a little inspired from her conversation with Esposito. She wasn't going to run from this like she almost always ran from things; they were going to discuss it, or at least attempt to do so.

She went inside, made her way up the stairs, and knocked at his door.

"I think we should talk," she said, voice unwavering.

"We should," he agreed as he opened the door. He beckoned for her to step inside.

"So," she said somewhat awkwardly. She knew what she wanted to say but wasn't sure how to start. Not having any better ideas, she decided to just dive into it. Everything she had been feeling began to tumble out into the open, "Castle, last night, that was not ok. It was so not ok and it hurt that you would do that, especially now. You can't say that you'll have my back, and that you'll be there for me, Rick, and then come home drunk and slurring at me not even twenty-four hours after my dad is hospitalized for essentially the same thing. I felt like I could rely on you, that I could trust you, and to have you that drunk was like a really harsh slap in the face. And I know you had your reasons, and I'm sorry I couldn't hear them when you tried to tell me."

Rick looked shell shocked, "Kate…I didn't…I don't remember a lot of that night, which is obviously my own fault, but I didn't realize I came to you like that. God, I'm sorry."

"You want to talk about why you did it?"

"Kyra lied. She'd been seeing someone else."

"I'm sorry, Castle."

"I just…I lost it. I trusted her so much. I never would have thought…," he sighed, "Anyway, I'm sure you can put the rest of the story together. But I never meant to hurt you, and I shouldn't have acted like I did. I violated your trust, and I'm sorry."

She remained quiet.

"What do you need me to say, Kate? I'm an idiot for getting drunk and an ass for treating you like I did, and I really regret it."

"I know you do. We'll be ok," she promised. He was impossible to stay upset with, particularly with that sincere look of apology painted across his features. She couldn't help it: she trusted him. He had this uncanny ability to climb over all of her walls.

00000000

"You think I'm pathetic?" he asked her later that evening.

She gave him a puzzled frown, "What do you mean?"

"I'm this broken up over a breakup."

"No, you aren't pathetic. You two had been together for a long time, so it's understandable. Plus, it's never easy to lose someone you love," she added.

"I hate feeling this sad, and I never once thought that this would happen. It's so weird to think that Kyra did that. So much of what I thought I knew…it's all vanished. I just want to regain some normalcy, you know?"

She nodded. She knew all too well.

"You aren't alone, Castle," she said softly.

"Yeah?" he looked at her hopefully.

"Yeah," she confirmed.

"You and me, after the storm, trying to move on?"

"I think it's a good plan," she agreed.

"I do, too. You keep me grounded."

"Well, you're not too bad yourself."

He grinned.

"Now don't go telling everyone what I just said," she reprimanded sarcastically, "We can't have your ego inflate further."

"Oh, don't worry, your secret's safe with me."

He smiled, and she looked thoughtful.

"Castle?"

"Yeah?"

"I run from things," her voice was soft again.

"I know you do," he said gently.

"Don't let me," she said. He nodded.

"Hey," he said a few minutes later as he pulled her up with both hands.

"What?" she asked. She was unable to stop from smiling at the gesture.

"Let's go get ice cream," he said, "We both deserve it."

00000000

"You're so boring," he teased her as they sat at an ice cream shop, "Plain strawberry?"

"Hey, it's a classic," she replied lightheartedly. She eyed his cone suspiciously, "Besides, I don't even know what that is."

"It's amazing is what it is," he replied, working on the concoction he held in front of him.

Kate shook her head in amusement.

"My mom loved ice cream," she said thoughtfully.

"So did Kyra. And thinking about it, the two of you had the same kind of reaction to the flavors and toppings I went for."

She smirked, "I wonder why."

He smiled lightly, "I guess you'll just have to stick around to make sure I don't do anything too overly extravagant, then."

"I guess so."

A/N: The Beckett and Espo scene was heavily inspired by their moment in "Kill Shot" and The Goo Goo Dolls. I had their greatest hits album on repeat, and it ended up contributing to the overall mood, I think. In case you were curious. (: Also, kudos to anyone who caught the s5 episode titles...I had fun with that. Anyway, this chapter ended up being an interesting combo of easy and difficult to write, and I'm curious as to what you guys think of it. So, review? And special shout out to everyone who's been reviewing fairly regularly; you guys are great.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter Thirteen

"Hey, Castle, pass me a rag," Kate requested, her head hidden in the cabinet she was cleaning. They had decided that it was time for a bit of (early) spring cleaning and were currently working on the kitchen.

"Here," he said as he handed one to her.

"I think I've found your stash," she said, disdain present in her voice.

He frowned, "What?"

"Of smorelette ingredients or something. I dunno if I've ever seen so much junk food in one space before."

He grinned, "Kate, don't lie. You love the smorelette."

She smiled at him evasively, head out from the cabinet now, "I'm not answering that."

"Yeah, that's what I thought," he replied, smirking.

The phone rang.

"But I will answer that," she said, standing up. She briefly surveyed the room they were cleaning, "You ok with all of this for a bit, Castle?"

"Yeah, go ahead."

"Hello? Oh, hey Lanie," Kate said as she moved into the other room.

"Girl! How are you doing?"

"Still in one piece."

Lanie made a sympathetic noise, "How's your dad?"

"He's home, and he hasn't been hospitalized again, so…" her voice trailed off.

"Well, that's good."

Although Lanie couldn't see her, Kate nodded, "My aunt's staying with him. I'm going out there in a few days."

"Lemme know if either of you guys need anything."

"Will do."

"How's writer boy doing?" Lanie asked.

"He's…" Kate glanced toward the kitchen where Rick was still working. He'd definitely had his moments of an upbeat attitude, but she knew his heart was still a long way from being mended.

"Javi told me about Kyra," Lanie interjected.

"Oh. He's not quite ok yet, but…eventually."

"Yeah. Poor guy."

"Yeah."

"Gosh, between the two of you," Lanie began and trailed off sadly, "You guys deserve a bunch of hugs."

"Well, thanks."

"So," Lanie started excitedly until her voice trailed off.

"Ok, you're doing that thing you always do when you have something you're dying to tell me. What's up?"

"Javi and I."

Kate chuckled, "Ryan and I figured that out a while ago, Lanie."

"Well, you guys are good. And we're official now."

"So I take it you like my taste in friends," Kate smirked.

"I always believed in you, girl. And speaking of relationships…"

"What?" Kate asked suspiciously.

"You and a certain writer boy have a lot of chemistry."

Kate scoffed.

"Oh, _honey,_ come on. You said yourself that he's good for you. And it doesn't have to be right now, because I know you both are going through a lot. I mean, it would probably be not the best idea if you two were to get together right now. You're both hurting a lot. But I think you ought to consider it for sometime in the future."

"Oh, come on, Lanie," Kate replied quickly, "We're not – we're friends."

She glanced toward the kitchen to be sure Rick couldn't hear her conversation and found that, to her relief, he was otherwise occupied.

"Girl, a friendship is the best foundation to build a relationship on. You already know you care about each other, and you already know you're at least somewhat compatible. It just seems like it would be so right, you know? And face it: falling in love with your best friend is romantic."

"You're totally a romantic," Kate commented.

"Right, and you're not? I know you put on a hard exterior, Kate Beckett, but underneath it all I think you and I are one in the same when it comes to this department."

"No," she said, "I'm a realist."

"The two aren't necessarily mutually exclusive."

"I keep my feet on the ground," she replied firmly.

"Alright," Lanie changed the subject, "So what are you and Castle up to, anyway?"

"Cleaning."

"Aww, you guys are cute," Lanie laughed.

"Lanie," Kate rolled her eyes.

"Kate. You know, Javi and I haven't even cleaned together yet."

"You don't live with him," she supplied, voice light.

"See, you and Castle are ahead of us in that way too."

"You're delusional," she told her friend, "Anyway, I've gotta finish up around here."

"Ok girl. But remember, just because you can't see what's right in front of your face doesn't mean others can't."

"Shuuuut up."

00000000

He was almost finished cleaning (Kate was going to be happy) when he saw it. Oh, he had been doing so well until now. He had hardly started off this well, what with the other night night, but he had been able to put Kyra out of mind since then and had actually been having a decent day today.

And then he was reminded of her, and it all came crashing down. He really hadn't fully dealt with the face that he'd lost Kyra yet. He'd been trying to rebuild his house of happiness atop of a crumbling foundation, and now the entirety of it was falling to pieces all around him.

It had been simple, really. It had been a box of pancake mix that had done it. The memory of a morning a few weeks before they'd graduated from high school was rushing into the forefront of his mind.

"_You know, I seem to always forget that you cook," Kyra said to him as she took a seat at the table. Martha was out somewhere, so the two had the house to themselves._

"_You've had the smorelette before," he reminded her, smiling._

_She raised an eyebrow, "Yeah, I have had the smorelette before."_

_He gave her a look, his face drawn into a fake pout._

"_Oh, you. Come here. You know I like those…things."_

_He smiled at her, "Good."_

"_So what are you making now?" Kyra peered at the stove as she moved to stand closer to him, "They kinda look like pancakes."_

"_They are. Blueberry pancakes."_

_She smiled for a moment, and then laughed._

"_What?" he asked._

"_Ryan calls pancakes an edible way of saying thank you for last night."_

"_Oh really now?" he teased, pulling her closer, "So am I going to have something to thank you for later on?"_

_She smiled shyly, "Well, you never know."_

_He thought for a moment. This was something that they'd talked about before and were both on the same page, but the right time hadn't presented itself to them yet. And now here they were, alone in his house with Martha planning on being out for the majority of the day._

"_I actually think we both might," he said. The space between them was nonresistant as she began kissing him._

Suddenly, he looked up and snapped out of the reverie as he heard Kate reenter the room.

"Hey," he greeted her softly.

"Hey," she studied him for a moment, "You alright?"

"Fine," he lied, "I'm gonna go upstairs for a bit, though."

"Rick?" she questioned.

He looked at her, "I just need to be alone for a little while."

She nodded in understanding. One thing that she had learned from losing her mother was that sometimes a person just needed to mourn the loss for a while. It hurt for a long time, and then it eventually, she hoped, got less painful.

She hoped it would be a reality for both of them one day.

A/N: Oh Lanie, ever insightful.

I have orientation for school in a few days (I'll be a junior, but I'm doing a different program away from my regular campus this semester, hence the orientation), and then my semester starts, so if updates are less often than usual, just know I haven't forgotten about this.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter Fourteen**

"Kate," Castle called her name excitedly as he barreled down the stairs.

"What?" she asked, "What on earth is up, Castle?"

"I found something," he said, sitting next to her on the couch.

She looked puzzled.

"About my father," he clarified.

"Oh."

"Yeah. He was involved in theatre – not surprising, considering mother, but now I have specific names and places."

"How'd you find this?"

"Hour after hour of looking through practically every edition of every newspaper ever published in the state of New York. I had his name – that's really all mother told me – and I just found it in announcement for a play in one of the arts sections."

"That's good. What are you going to do with that information?"

He faltered slightly, "I'm not sure. I was just so glad to have discovered something."

"Are there other names in that article? People you can talk to and ask questions to find out more about your father?"

He smiled, "You know, you could be a detective."

"Most people just say thank you, Castle," she said, rolling her eyes playfully at him.

00000000

"You've been avoiding your dad," he told her as they sat together later that afternoon. A few months ago, he never would have said something along those lines – it was too personal, too direct for the walls and boundaries that they were careful not to cross – but their relationship had changed. Now, though, Rick felt as though he could say these kinds of things. He doubted that she would be thrilled, but it needed saying, and he knew they would be ok in the end.

She frowned.

"Kate," he said gently.

She was silent for a few minutes and then sighed, "Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side, Rick."

He looked at her attentively, waiting for her to continue.

"You don't know your father. He could be anyone, anything. There's so much possibility there – it's practically limitless. But sometimes when you know it hurts. I thought I knew my dad, but everything that happened happened. My mom was killed. And I hate that he responded to it the way that he did – he was there for a bit, but then he turned to drinking…"

Her voice trailed off, and then suddenly she looked angry, "He left me in this all alone."

"Kate," he replied, "I can't justify or condone it, and I hate that it was something else that hurt you. But, I just…think about what you're doing."

"Why do I always have to be the bigger person?" she asked darkly.

He sighed sadly, "I don't know. But you have the kind of strength it takes."

"You and Lanie are both such optimists."

"We just see what you don't. There are no exaggerations here."

She looked down, hesitantly biting her lip.

"You're extraordinary."

Her eyes met his. She smiled shyly, "You're not so bad yourself."

He smiled at her, and a few moments of comfortable silence went by.

She sighed, "I should call him."

"You know I'm here if you need anything. As are Lanie and everyone else."

"That goes both ways," she replied, "I know you miss her."

"Yeah…"

"How are you doing?"

"Ok, considering the situation, I think. I don't know. I felt like I could trust her with anything, and now that's been shattered."

She nodded knowingly.

"You feel like you know someone, and then they hurt you," he said, referring to both of their situations, "I'm not sure there's anything that can fix that pain."

She nodded, "You have to learn to be ok with it. Come to terms with what happened and what they did. I just wish that wasn't easier said than done."

"At least we're not in this alone."

00000000

He woke up to a scream that made his heart tighten.

"Kate?" he called out as he quickly made his way out of bed. He had called her name earlier in the day when he'd made his discovery, but now he wasn't excited – he was worried.

He glanced at the clock. 3:00 AM.

"Kate?" he asked again, knocking on her bedroom door and then opening it. He found her sitting up in bed, looking upset.

"Hey," he said, moving to sit next to her.

"Oh, god," she said, her voice shaking, "I dreamt that you guys all…you and Lanie and Javi and Ryan, you guys had all been killed."

"Hey, it's ok. We're all alright," he reassured her.

She let out a little sob, "I've already lost my parents. I'm afraid everyone else is going to leave somehow."

"Never," he replied instantaneously, pulling her lithe frame into his arms.

"Rick?" she asked softly a few moments later.

"Yeah?"

"Could you stay? I-I mean right now."

"Always," he said, wrapping his arms around her protectively as they lay down to sleep again, collectively trying to battle their demons.

00000000

Later that morning, the first thing Kate noticed was that she was still tightly enveloped in Rick's arms. He was still lying next to her in bed, fast asleep.

The second thing that dawned on her was how safe she felt – she didn't remember feeling this secure since her mother's murder.

"Good morning," he said, voice still groggy.

"Hey," she replied.

They looked at one another, each wondering if they were going to discuss what had happened the prior night.

"Thank you," she said.

He nodded. He suddenly felt a lot of different emotions, and he didn't say anything.

00000000

"So not that I don't like your impromptu visits, but what's up?" Ryan asked Rick that afternoon. The latter had made his way to his friend's dorm earlier that day, and Ryan could tell that something was on his mind.

He shrugged and didn't say anything for a few moments.

"Do you think," he spoke up, "How soon is it to…do you think I owe Kyra anything?"

Ryan frowned slightly, "My first impulse is to say no, but it actually depends on the specifics."

"Well, she messed up. God, I'm not denying that. But we'd been in a good relationship for practically four years, and that meant something. How loyal am I supposed to be after the fact, though?" he wondered aloud.

Ryan waited for him to continue, knowing that he would.

"I mean, if there were someone else, and I'm not even sure there is, but if there were…do you think it's too soon for me to have feelings for someone else…am I being disloyal to what Kyra and I had?"

"No, you're not. She chose to act in ways that common sense says would cause a relationship to fall apart, so you don't owe her anything. You're not dishonoring what you guys had by falling in love again. But you know, man, this all is going to lead me to ask you another question."

"I figured it would. And…I think I might be falling in love with Kate."

**A/N:** I might actually have a decent amount of free time this semester. What is this?!

Review if you have a moment - I always like to know what you guys are thinking.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter Fifteen**

Ryan thought about what Rick had just told him. In a way, his admission didn't come as much of a surprise – although Rick had been caught up in the throes of his turned-tumultuous relationship with Kyra until recently, he could tell that there was a certain level of chemistry and compatibility between his friend and Kate. He had an ability to peg these types of things, just as he had done with Lanie and Javier. Jenny had always found it endearing.

"So what are you going to do?" he asked Rick.

He exhaled, "I don't know. It's definitely complicated."

Ryan nodded.

"I mean, I had my heart broken by my girlfriend of four years not too long ago, so I don't want that to cloud my judgment, and I definitely don't want Kate to feel like she's some sort of rebound. And…I dunno. I don't know how she feels about me. I don't want to mess up what we have right now."

"Ok man," Ryan said, "I don't think Kate would be a rebound for you, but for the sake of being sure…"

"Yeah?"

"Imagine that you never had a relationship with Kyra."

Rick scoffed.

"Really. Take everything related to being with Kyra…especially all of the heartbreak, and picture it. Now, picture a box. Put all things Kyra in the box."

"Ok," he said, complying.

"Now close off the box and throw it away. It's all irrelevant now, man. Ok, now think about Kate, about what you like about her. Tell me what you're thinking."

"She's so multidimensional…there are so many layers to her, and even when I feel like I know her pretty well, I learn something new. There's always something else to learn about her. I like that. She's funny. You know her sense of humor – it's just so dry and great. I love her laugh…I love making her laugh. And she's…you know, the two of you are my best friends. I feel like I could do anything with her. And she puts up with me, willingly, and everything feels right when I'm with her. She's got this never ending amount of inner strength, even if she doesn't realize it, and I don't think I've ever seen her give up. She's beautiful – god, Ryan, she's so beautiful – and she's extraordinary," Rick described, looking as if he were somewhere else.

"You're in love," Ryan said in response, "But be careful."

"I will," he replied, "Literally the last thing I want to do is hurt her."

"So when did you realize all of this, if you don't mind me asking?" Ryan inquired.

"Well, this morning I woke up and looked at her –"

"Wait, what?" he exclaimed, "You didn't sleep with her!"

"No! No, I mean, not like that."

"But you were in bed together."

He nodded, explaining, "She'd had a nightmare. It was completely innocent. All we did was fall asleep. And anyway, I woke up from that, and I looked at her, and it all just dawned on me. And I'm still not sure what I'm going to do about it."

"I can't tell you what to do, bro," Ryan replied, "But trust your judgment. Try to analyze the whole situation and see if she might have feelings for you, too – easier said than done, I know. But I'm sure you'll figure something out. And go with your best judgment again on when you guys act on anything."

"Right," he said, "Thanks, man."

00000000

There was a knock at the door. Kate went downstairs to see who was there.

"Hi Martha," she smiled, opening the door.

"Kate, darling," she greeted her cheerfully. She continued, "Richard has insisted that I stop barging in unannounced, so I'm knocking on the door nowadays, can you imagine?"

The younger woman smiled slightly.

"Are you up to anything good today, dear?" Martha asked.

"Not really," Kate replied, "Just taking care of some things."

"Ahh, so attentive you are. I admire it. Is Richard around?"

"No. I'm not sure where he went."

"How like him. Slipping away mysteriously."

Kate shrugged.

"So what things are you working on today?"

"Um. Family stuff, actually. I've gotta call my dad about…something."

Martha looked at her knowingly, "Sometimes these things are never easy. I had such a tumultuous relationship with my parents."

Wordlessly, Kate nodded.

"They were rather conservative," Martha continued, "and I was not. I don't know that I ever made two choices in a row that they agreed with. We just clashed. I wanted to go out and live life to the fullest, and they disapproved of a lot of what I was doing."

"You sound like an average teenager," Kate said.

Martha smiled, "I was a little on the extreme side. Anyway, eventually, I ended up pregnant, and Richard's father was never in the picture, and I became the black sheep."

"But I've completely monopolized this conversation," she continued, laughing apologetically.

Before it dawned on her what she was doing, Kate began to tell Martha about her own situation, "My issue is more that I'm upset over something my father did. I don't know how much Rick's told you…"

"Darling, Richard never breaks confidences," Martha said.

"Well, my mother…my mother was murdered."

Martha took Kate's hand in hers.

"And Dad just…it wasn't easy for either of us. And he and mom were absolutely in love with each other. After everything, he started drinking. And I haven't…I don't know how to forgive him for that. I know I need to, but I just…"

"Oh, honey," Martha replied, "That's a rough situation in itself, and it's never easy to get hurt and let down by a parent like that. Seeing their imperfections is…well, it's rough."

Kate nodded.

"And I'm not saying this will be easy – goodness knows it took me long enough – but you have to learn to realize that your parents are human. It's really none of my business, and I'm not excusing your father's behavior, but he isn't perfect. He will make mistakes."

Kate looked thoughtful, "Thank you, Martha."

"Of course," Martha smiled, "I'm glad I was able to help, and it's nice to see someone who appreciates my help. You know, I've often thought of going into the life coaching business. Something to supplement my acting with."

00000000

"Hey Castle," she said cheerfully as she heard him enter the house.

"Hey," he smiled upon seeing her.

"So your mom came by," she told him. They were sitting next to one another on the couch in the front room.

"Oh, jeeze, I apologize," he said, smirking slightly.

She whacked his thigh lightly, "Stop it. We actually had a really good talk."

"Really? You guys gonna team up and conspire against me or something?" he asked, still smirking.

"No," Kate grew serious, and Rick followed suit. She continued, "We talked about my dad, actually."

"Oh?" he asked, looking at her attentively.

"Yeah. She helped me put some stuff in perspective. And I think…I'm gonna call my dad later. Well, I was always going to do it, but now I feel better about it."

"I'm glad."

Kate continued, "She just made me realize…I love my dad, and love is accepting someone fully, in spite of their flaws. So I'm gonna call Dad soon."

He smiled, "You sound better."

"I feel a little better," her expression mirrored his.

"You know, my mother and I are pretty good at this," Rick joked, grinning.

Kate smirked, "I think it was more so your mother this time, Castle."

"Hey!" he feigned offense but was ultimately unable to keep from smiling.

She smiled slightly, "I'm kidding, Castle."

Suddenly, her face took on a sincere expression.

She continued, "Thank you for helping me get through this, and for everything else."

"Always," he told her as he looked into her eyes. He was in love with her, and he hoped to tell her one day, but today just wasn't the right time.

**A/N**: To the anon reviewer who pointed out the 47 faves - you're great! On a semi related note, I was in San Francisco not long ago and stopped at Alexander books...near Montgomery Street. Thought you guys would appreciate that. (:


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: **For anyone who received a notification, this isn't actually a new chapter, sorry. While attempting to edit something I accidentally deleted a chapter, so I'm just reposing. 17 is in the works! I was on a bit of a writing spree with it earlier, though I massively stressed myself out with my error earlier, so I hope to get back into the grove.**  
**

**Chapter Sixteen**

Kate stopped to grab coffee at a place that wasn't too far from campus. She had a morning meeting with Dr. Montgomery to make sure all was well – his idea, but she hadn't objected. She liked Montgomery, and unlike Rick, she was something of a morning person.

Coffee in hand, she made her way to campus and into Montgomery's office.

"Hi," she said.

"Kate," he replied, "Good morning. Go ahead and take a seat."

Once she was situated, Montgomery continued, "So, how's the term coming along?"

"It's going well."

"And how are your classes? You're taking 18 units, correct?"

"I am. They're all fine."

"You sure? I've seen freshman with heavy loads like that burn out."

"I'm sure. I had a similar schedule back at Stanford."

He smiled, "Some people just like a challenge. So you feel like you've adjusted ok?"

She nodded, "Yeah."

"Ok," Montgomery replied, "I also wanted to talk about why you transferred."

She frowned but quickly regained her composure, "Alright. Um, I know you've probably read my application essay, so you already know why."

He nodded, "Quite admirable of you, moving across the country like that. How are you doing?"

"Sir, what are you doing? I appreciate the concern, but I'm absolutely sure that I'm _fine_," she said firmly, though she looked on the verge of tears.

"Do you realize," Montgomery began, looking concerned, "that it would be perfectly alright for you to not be fine? I won't push you, Kate, because I know you, and you'll only come on your own terms, but know that I'm here if you need anything."

00000000

She left Montgomery's office shaken. She wasn't entirely sure if she had lied to him or not – sometimes she did feel fine these days, and other times she felt as though she were falling apart. She didn't like that her grief was no longer straightforward. How was she supposed to know how to deal with it when it was so two-faced?

And in general, opening up to people still made her nervous. She had gotten better at it, but although she genuinely liked Montgomery, she'd felt frozen when he'd brought her mother up.

Why did she have to be so complicated, anyway?

As she slowly came out of her thoughts, she frowned. She had fifteen minutes until her first class of the day – just a little too long to not do anything, but too short to really do anything at all.

"Boo!" a voice behind her called, suddenly tapping her on the shoulder.

She quickly spun around, "Jesus, Castle! Don't sneak up on me like that."

"Kinda surprised you didn't notice me. Hey, what's the matter?" he asked, sensing something.

"I just…nothing."

He looked at her knowingly.

"Do you ever wish you were different?" she asked him.

"I do, sometimes," he replied, "But I don't see any reason for you to do that. You're so –"

He cut himself off before he could say amazing.

"I just think you're really good the way you are," he said.

She shook her head, "I wish I were less of a mess. Just fun and uncomplicated."

"Kate," he started, "Fun and uncomplicated is so dull. Uncomplicated. There's just no depth there, but you? You are multifaceted to the point that it's extraordinary. I mean, if you were uncomplicated, there would be no Beckett union. Fun and uncomplicated just isn't you, and that's ok," he said sincerely. Suddenly he grinned, "Though the fun part is definitely there."

"When did you get wise, Castle?"

"Katherine Beckett, I've_ always_ been this wise," he replied.

"I may just have to believe you on that one."

00000000

"So things with your dad are going better?" Lanie asked Kate over the phone a few days later.

"Yeah. I'm going over there this weekend. So what are you gonna be doing out here next week again?"

"Girl, I'm going clubbing with Javi," Lanie replied, "Hey. You should come. Bring Writer Boy."

Kate scoffed, "No. And none of us are twenty-one yet, anyway."

"You know very well that there are eighteen plus clubs," Lanie said knowingly, "And if I remember correctly, you used to go to them quite often during junior year of high school. Does Writer Boy know this, by any chance?"

"Know what?"

"That you were the wildest girl in our class for a while. About the clubs and the motorcycle and the tattoo."

"It hasn't come up in conversation, no."

"Giiiirl. I'm sure he'd eat those stories up."

"Yeah, you and me both."

"Have you thought about what I said at all?"

"You say a lot of things, Lanie," Kate said wryly.

"Imma slap you," she replied, "I know you remember what I said about you and Castle. So have you thought about it?"

"There's been a lot to think about. But…I may have."

"And?" Lanie asked eagerly.

"It wouldn't work," she replied, "I'm not…someone like me is the last thing he needs right now."

"Kate Beckett, why on earth would you say a thing like that?"

"Because I'm a mess, and he already has more than enough to deal with."

Lanie sighed sadly, "I just wish you could see the way he looks at you."

"Lanie…"

"I know you feel like you've got issues, but that's ok. Nobody is perfect."

"But my issues aren't like everybody else's issues," Kate responded, "The average person doesn't have a murdered mother and a recovering alcoholic father. The average person doesn't have half of the baggage that I do."

"Maybe Castle doesn't go for average. Maybe he goes for people like you."

"Well, none of this matters, because we're not getting together," Kate said firmly.

"Alright, girl," Lanie resigned. Maybe one day you will be, she thought to herself.

00000000

She was curled up on the couch that evening, book in hand, when the phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Kate," his voice came through raggedly on the other end of the phone.

"Rick, what's wrong?" she sat up immediately.

"Do you remember when you told me you were better off not knowing sometimes? You were absolutely right."

"Where are you?" she asked.

"City."

"Don't go anywhere. I'll find you."

**A/N:** It seems that I enjoy cliffhangers as of late. Anyway, do you have any idea how tempted I was to have them kiss in the scene where Rick sneaks up on her? Ahhh. But I have a plan. (:


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

The pair sat side by side on the grass. It was evening, and they were almost completely enveloped by the twilight. Kate had found Rick, still as distraught as he'd been on the phone, sitting in an empty part of Central Park. He'd started talking almost immediately after she sat down.

"I found my dad," he told her, "I mean, I obviously didn't_ find_ him, because he died and left me his house, but I found someone who knew him back in his prime."

He chuckled darkly, and continued, "If you could even say the guy had a prime. It's like you said earlier, Kate, sometimes you're just better off not knowing. How are you so smart?"

"Rick, what happened? Who was he?"

"That's just it," he replied, "He was _nobody_. Just nobody. He was in the theatre, but he was just kind of around, and never did anything useful, really. He had money…family money. Seems like he was arrogant and entitled. And…he drank. He drank a lot."

"Where did you get all of this?" Kate pressed gently.

"The guy I told you about a few weeks ago. He was in the same theatre, and knew him…and my mother."

"How do you know it's all true?"

"I talked to mother," he said, "And there's more. The guy had a record."

He looked at the ground and then back up at her, "Assault and battery."

"And Martha confirmed it all?"

He sighed, "Yeah. Went to her right after I talked to the other guy. Talk about storming into a place, I was furious and yelling at her. She apologized and confirmed things, and then I stormed back out. Maybe I'm just my father's son."

"Rick, no."

"Think about it Kate, I just screamed at my mother. And back when I found out that Kyra had been cheating? I got so drunk that I still don't remember half of the night. That's two for two so far."

"I can think of a thousand ways that you're different," she countered firmly, "You didn't get drunk tonight. You called a friend and talked it out. You're not a nobody – you have so much initiative that you changed your name to help signal the launch of your writing career. You aren't apathetic. You're smart, and dedicated, and you care about the people in your life. And don't argue with me, Rick, especially on that last point, because you made me…after everything that happened, you helped make me whole again."

He edged closer to her, using one hand to brush her cheek gently, "Kate."

Coming to the realization that she wasn't completely opposed to his touch, she closed her eyes.

He considered her momentary silence. He wondered if he had crossed some sort of line and their current physical closeness bothered her, but she hadn't objected. It felt right to be this close to her. He may have been like a boat lost at sea, but she was his lighthouse, his guiding point. She had come to be his solid ground and north star, and he wouldn't want to have it any other way.

"No arguments, Rick," she said a few seconds later, in reference to her previous statement.

"If you insist," he said lightly.

"I do," she replied, "I've been through this, Castle. I've been disappointed by someone I thought I should be able to trust, and it feels terrible at first, but you come to terms with it eventually. You realize you aren't defined by your father's mistakes. I wasn't, and neither will you. It'll be ok in the end."

"Yeah. I just…it's hard, you know. I had such high expectations. My father could have been anyone, and in my typical fashion I let my imagination go crazy. It's just rough."

"I know, Castle. I know."

00000000

The next morning, Martha knocked on the door to the house.

Rick opened the door, "Hi, mother."

"Richard! Richard, I'm so sorry," she said, voice full of sincerity.

"No, I'm sorry, mother. I shouldn't have –"

"Nonsense, my boy, you have nothing to be sorry before."

"Come inside," he beckoned.

She shook her head, "Have you eaten yet? I thought we could go to lunch and I could tell you more about…him."

He nodded, "Yeah. Yeah, lemme just do something really quickly."

He went back into the house, went upstairs, and entered Kate's bedroom.

"Hey," he said, gently shaking the shoulder of her sleeping figure.

She stirred, "Mmmh. Castle?"

"Yeah. Hi."

"Time is it?" she asked sleepily.

"About 11:30."

She sat up.

"How'd I end up sleeping so late?" she wondered aloud as she stretched her arms out.

"You were up late consoling me," he replied, "Anyway, my mother's here, and we're going out to lunch. Just wanted to let you know."

"Alright. Everything ok?"

He nodded, "Yeah. She and I are good."

"I'm glad."

"Yeah. I'll see you later, sleepy," he smirked.

She rolled her eyes, "Bye, Castle."

00000000

"You must have questions," Martha studied her son from across their table at the café they currently occupied.

She knew Richard; of course he would have questions. He had always been her inquisitive boy. Even as a young child, he had been on the hunt for answers. _Momma, why does it do that_ and _Mother, why does she look sad_.

Her perceptive, inquisitive boy. It was no wonder that he'd turned to literature.

She'd always worried about this day. The day he would find out about this, the day he would want answers about the other half of his parentage. The subject of his father was one area in which she didn't want questions.

But she owed it to him.

He nodded.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

She had managed to say very little of the man until this point. She'd given him enough to field any questions but never anything real.

"I just…I wanted you to be able to have very little to do with him. I'm sure you pieced together at least part of why that is from what you already know," she said, "I didn't feel that there was anything positive about that man. Nothing you could possibly benefit from. I was trying to protect you."

"Protecting me!" he exclaimed, "By keeping me completely in the dark. How is that…mother, knowledge is power."

"I'm not claiming it was the best decision, Richard, but I thought it was a good one," she closed her eyes and then opened them, knowing that she needed to answer to him.

"You told me bits and pieces, fragments of vague and meaningless stories. It was enough to somewhat satisfy me when I was younger, but I wanted answers. And I knew you would never give them to me, so I went elsewhere. And it was hard as hell, but I got them."

He remembered a year ago, being on the verge of college and seemingly endless possibility, and getting a letter saying that he had been named in his father's will. That he had inherited the house. He had been so full of curiosity all over again and had a feeling that the desire would be finally sated.

"I'm sorry you're upset, but Richard, I'm not sorry he was never in your life," Martha sighed. She looked tired in a worn sort of way, and for once her façade of youth was fractured, "You have to understand – I have never regretted you. Not once. I was surprised when I learned I was going to be a mother…it was one role that I never envisioned myself auditioning for, but I've loved it, and I love you. I have always loved you."

He looked at her intently, his demeanor less upset.

"But he – your father – is a completely different story," Martha continued, "He and I…it was just one night. I'll spare you all of the intimate details, but there was alcohol involved for both parties and stress about some things on my part. I'd gotten several lead roles in a row, but I was somewhat insecure and wondered if I could really do it. Anyway. When I learned I was pregnant, he essentially refused to be involved before I could tell him I didn't want him to be involved."

She looked at her son, "I don't think he was someone anyone should have been around, much less a child. He was cruel, he had problems with addiction, and he was violent. He was in the acting business, but he was content to do absolutely nothing, be lazy and coast of off family money."

"Why'd he leave the house to me?"

"Honestly, I have no idea. That's why I was so against you moving in there."

"I wish I never would have taken it," he said, "I don't want anything to do with him."

"Oh, Richard, the house doesn't have to be about him," Martha said, hope seeping into her voice, "You and Kate live there now. Focus on the present."

"I understand it," he told her, "I can understand why you did what you did."

"I wanted what was best for you. I hope I did ok. I didn't want you to feel weighed down by all of this."

They were both quiet. Several minutes passed by, and then Rick spoke again.

"Hey mother," he started. The two of them had always been close, but conversations of such intense depth were uncommon for them, "Thank you for being here all these years."

She smiled, "It was my pleasure, kiddo."

00000000

Kate didn't like it when things snuck up on her.

She was the kind of person who liked to have a plan. She didn't like being unprepared because it almost felt reckless, and for the most part, she was through with her wild phase. She was practical, on top of things. And she couldn't prepare for things if they snuck out up on her, seemingly out of nowhere.

This had definitely snuck up on her. It was so unexpected, and if you had had told her that this would have happened when she first met him she would have laughed you, but she wondered if she had feelings for Rick.

The question refused to leave her mind.

He'd become one of her best friends. It had happened so fluidly —she'd gone from being antagonized by him to being comforted by him when he saw the vulnerabilities that she rarely exposed to anybody. He'd seen her at some of her lowest points and he'd been there for her, practically unwaveringly. She didn't open up easily, especially after her mother's murder, but doing so felt ok with him. It felt right. Spending time with him felt right. It felt good. It felt good when they talked. It felt good when he made her laugh.

(She was also unable to get the memory of him touching her cheek the prior night to leave her mind. That had felt right. That had felt good.)

What did it all mean, though? And what was she supposed to do with it?

There was the matter that he was probably still hurting about Kyra. They'd been together for four years, and he probably hadn't even noticed her in that way. She was probably just Kate, friend and housemate.

(He'd called her extraordinary. He'd told her always.)

There was also the fact of everything he'd just discovered about his father, and how much it had upset him.

He probably wasn't in a good state for a relationship.

She scoffed at herself. That was like the pot calling the kettle black.

She did feel like she was in a bit of a better place, but she still had the overarching feeling that she was an emotional mess. She was probably the absolute last thing that he needed. And Rick wasn't an idiot. He would know that it wouldn't be wise to enter into a relationship with her.

Still, she couldn't help but wonder what if.

Before her mind could stop itself, she wished that the two of them being together was some sort of kismet.

**A/N**: This is possibly my favorite chapter so far, particularly the Kate and Martha parts.

I realize that it may seem unrealistic that Castle, curious as he is, didn't make more of an effort to really seek out info about his father before the events of this fic, but I'm going to touch on that within a few chapters. Probably in the next one.

Anyhow, I apologize for the long delay in updates. At this point I'm thinking there will be about twenty chapters total, but I'm not entirely sure - this fic completely has a mind of its own and has defied outlines. I originally envisioned it being around ten chapters, and look where we are now. It's all good, though.

Review?


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter Eighteen**

"So Espo, why did you and Ryan think it was a good idea to bring Jenny to a burger place to meet us?" Kate asked while she, Esposito, Castle, and Lanie sat in Remy's waiting for the second couple to arrive, "Isn't she a vegetarian?"

"Yeah, Javi," Lanie added, sharing a look with Kate.

"She's a pescatarian, so she still eats fish," Esposito explained, "She's not completely limited to salads."

"Man, I've got to give her credit for that," Castle spoke up, "I could never give up meat."

Esposito nodded in agreement.

Kate smirked, "What is it with guys and food?"

"Girl, best way to a man's heart is through his stomach," Lanie said.

Castle grinned, "So Kate, those times you cooked for both of us…"

"Oh, get over yourself," she rolled her eyes, but couldn't help the blush that rose to her cheeks.

Lanie watched the two of them in interest.

"There's my man," Esposito commented cheerfully as saw Ryan and Jenny arrive.

Everyone introduced themselves, and then the group proceeded to order food.

00000000

"They're adorable together, Lanie," Kate said. After their meal at Remy's, the two girls had spent some time shopping and were currently sitting in Lanie's bedroom. They'd invited Jenny, but she hadn't been able to join them, "And so alike. She's kinda like the female version of Ryan."

Lanie laughed, "Girl, are you getting soft on me?"

Kate frowned, "What? No."

"Really, because a month or so ago you were telling me you didn't believe in romance."

Kate made a face at her.

"Now don't get me wrong, honey," Lanie continued, "I think it's a great change. But what inspired it?"

"I don't know –"

"It's Castle, isn't it?"

"What? No! I mean, there's nothing…alright, maybe."

Lanie nodded knowingly.

"Sweetheart, spill."

"Nothing happened."

"But do you want something to happen?"

Kate bit her lip.

"Yeah," she admitted.

"I think you two'll make a good couple," Lanie said happily.

"It might not even happen, though."

"Girl, you really don't see it, do you?"

"There's nothing to see," Kate replied, knowing what Lanie was hinting at, "He has a lot other than me to think about."

"You'll never know for sure if you don't bring it up."

Kate shrugged, "Maybe."

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"My better half is back," Castle said brightly as he heard Kate enter the house that evening.

She laughed, putting her shopping bags down, "Hey Castle."

They both moved to the couch, sitting so that they faced each other.

He spotted her bags, "Get anything good?"

She nodded, "How was your day?"

"Good. Shot hoops with Espo."

"Yeah?" Kate turned serious, "How're you doing?"

He shrugged, "I'm doing, you know. Still here. Still don't like the fact that my dad was a useless ass. I don't like having to live with that."

"I get that, but you've got to remember you're not him."

He frowned, "How much of a person is determined by their genetics, though?"

She didn't answer and looked as though she were thinking.

"I mean, have you worried about having problems with alcohol?" he asked almost hesitantly, referencing her father's own difficulties.

"I…no, I was more so angry with my dad than anything else. But these things don't have to define us, Castle."

"I keep telling myself that…"

"But you don't believe it?"

"I don't know," he said, looking despondent.

"I think you always knew, somehow, that you were more than whoever your father was," Kate countered, "I'm willing to bet that you were never _not_ willing to be your own person."

Kate continued before he could interrupt her, smiling now, "As crazy as that person may be."

He scoffed, looking better than he had before, "I'm just as sane as you are."

"You know, it must say something about me that I live with you. Something about my sanity," she quipped.

He smiled at her, "You're one of the more sane people I know, actually."

She rolled her eyes playfully, "Compared to whom?"

He grinned at her, "Oh, I don't know…most everybody, maybe."

She smiled wryly, "Well, thank you, Castle."

She wasn't only one of the sanest people he knew, he thought. She was smart, beautiful, and thoroughly dedicated to everything she did. He could write books about her.

"Castle?" she asked, bringing him from his reverie, "You alright?"

"Yeah, I'm…I'm good," he replied.

"I hope you're not lost in reveries of how great I am," she scoffed self-deprecatingly with a light smirk.

"You really have no idea, do you?" he asked, looking at her intently.

"Even now, after spending all this time with you, I'm still amazed by the depths of your strength, your heart," he continued sincerely, and then added an afterthought with a smirk, "And your hotness."

She blushed, "Castle…"

"Let me tell you something. It ties back into my father. I obviously knew he was gone, and I knew there were things mother was holding back. I knew that for a while," he began.

Kate nodded.

"But I never really pursued it until recently. I mean, college and independence inspired me a little. I felt like being out in the real world was good cause to know everything about my own background."

"I've wondered about that," Kate replied, "I mean, you're you. You always need to know things."

"I know. But I used to worry about who he was, why my mother hadn't told me. I didn't want him to be the way he turned out to be," he smiled ruefully, "I had dreams of him being in the CIA. Anyway. And Kyra…she worries about things. That stopped me too, I think. She never liked the idea of looking into him."

"I never looked into anything, tried to be content with knowing nothing, until one day I was sitting around the house alone after Kyra had declared her need for space and I figured why the hell not," he continued, "So I started looking into things, and it was like an addiction. I needed to know, was making up for all those years of not knowing anything. And then I actually came across a real, solid lead, and I was almost scared to pursue it. Scared of what the truth would be. All my old insecurities started coming back."

Kate nodded, listening closely.

"And then I looked to you," he said, and she looked surprised, "And how strong you are in dealing with your mom's murder, and it really inspired me to find the truth about my own family."

"Castle," she said again, surprised at what he had just told her.

"I wouldn't be where I am right now without you," he told her sincerely, strongly.

They looked at each other, seconds turning into a minute. Then, slowly, he leaned in an attempt to enclose any space remaining between them, his face almost coming into contact with hers.

She shot back rigidly, getting off the couch.

"Kate, I'm sorry," he apologized quickly.

"I can't," she said, turning away from him, "I'm gonna, uh…"

She motioned her head toward upstairs.

"Ok," he replied, worried at what he had just done.

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The entire situation would be so much easier if she didn't have feelings for him, she reflected in the privacy of her room. But as it was, he was one of her best friend and she definitely did have feelings for him.

The timing was bad. She had had this conversation with herself multiple times before: he was dealing with things. She was dealing with things.

Sometimes, though, in spite of it all, she just wanted him.

She frowned when she realized she was blinking back tears. She didn't like being overly emotional.

There was a knock on her door.

"Hey, Kate, can I come in for a sec?"

She opened it for him.

"I know you probably need space, and I'll leave soon, but I just wanted to apologize again," he told her.

She sighed, "Castle."

He turned to the door, misinterpreting her and thinking she wanted him to leave.

"No," she said, "Stay."

He looked surprised.

"It's not that I didn't want you to kiss me," she explained, "But, I…"

She bit her lip.

"I like you a lot, and I don't want it to be a one-time thing."

He smiled at her, "Kate. You have no idea how often I think about being in a relationship with you."

It was her turn to be surprised, and her facial expression soon matched his.

She took his hand, "Rick. I want this. I want us. But the timing…my mom, Kyra, your dad. I feel like we both need to deal with some things before we dive in together."

"I guess I'll learn to be a patient person then," he said.

"Thank you," she replied, "For waiting."

"Always."

A/N:

Feel free to ignore me as a take a moment to ramble about things relevant and irrelevant to this chapter…

I'm sorry again for the long delay. In the way of explanations, classes picked up a bit and I got a job.

Anyhow, for anyone who watches The Office and remembers the tone and general demeanor of Pam when she tells Jim she can't in Casino Night: that is exactly how I imagined Kate while writing that scene.

I borrowed a quote from To Live and Die in LA, which I'm sure you guys noticed.

ALSO PROBABLE CAUSE. Dear god. Can we just give Stana an Emmy right now?

And lastly, I'm living in DC till December and the other day on my way home from work I took a moment to bask in the pre-Sandy rain with In My Veins playing. It was glorious, haha.


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